Horror films are perhaps the most well-known of genres in the film industry, they are also the most twisted, the most clichéd and the most comparable to Marmite. Horror films are often discussed in such a way like: “dude, did you see the bit where he hacked her head off!” (horror fans have issues). Yet, what isn’t discussed is how to survive one.
Below, I have constructed a step-by-step guide on how to survive a genre of film infamous for creating unforgiving suffering and misery to its characters…
1) Don’t enter any bathrooms
Most horror-fans know that bathrooms are a big-no to enter. What started out as a place to wash your hands and take a dump has now become where Jack Torrance may slice your arm off with an axe. (I’d hate it if that happened.) But apart from getting your arm chopped off by a deranged husband-slash-serial-killer, what else could possibly go wrong? Answer: a twisted serial killer may stab you whilst you’re taking a shower, that’s what.
2) Be a granny
When was the last time you ever saw an old granny die in a horror film? Or an 80-year-old man? Huh? Never. Axe-murderers and psychopaths love to kill teenagers and young adults. It all started off with John Carpenters Halloween: Michael Myers was never a fan of overly-hormonal teenagers showing their ‘affection’ in the bedroom, so as a result he started killing youths, he then did it again…and again…and again.
If you’re in a horror film, don’t be aged 17-27
3) Don’t be blonde
All blonde-haired girls beware. Don’t live in a horror film, you will die – and to make it harder for you, the writers felt lazy and made you the stereotypical ‘dumb blonde’. People with IQs of 4 can’t win.
4) Don’t go near wardrobes…
As a general rule of thumb, don’t go near wardrobes. In fact: don’t touch them, don’t close them, and don’t even buy them. And for god sake don’t open them!
There is always a moment in a horror film where you will be tempted to open a wardrobe to see what’s in there, either two things could happen:
1) The psychopath will jump out of the closet and kill you
2) Nothing in the wardrobe…..crazy-man is behind you and stabs your brains out
5) Listen carefully
If you hear the following sentences “his mother was his best friend”; “a census man once tried to test me, I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice warm chianti”; “I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up” don’t just stand there – RUN!
6) IGNORE ringing phones and televisions randomly turning on and off
A cheap-skate way most killers try to get at you is by fiddling with your electrical equipment. Some use it to scare you and make you insecure; however, some use it so that a soaking wet 8-year-old girl can come out of your telly and into your living room and slaughter you to death (The Ring) – in which case, don’t watch that mysterious video-tape…
7) Never say “I’ll be back” – cos you won’t
Basic schoolboy error. If you leave your friends behind, you will die.
8) No drugs. No alcohol. No kissing. No sex. No nothing.
As mentioned in rule number 2 – don’t be a teenager. If you are a teenager, don’t follow the stereotype of a teenager by being extremely rebellious and sex obsessed. Stalkers and psychopaths like their victims to be rebellious (it gives them some perverse kick…or something like that anyway)
9) Nevers say “there must be a reasonable explanation for this”
There isn’t; and chances are, if you say this: you’re next…
10) Never watch a horror movie in a horror movie
Take the film ‘Halloween’ and any ‘Scream’ film as an example.
11) Don’t have huge boobs
Killers are perverted…if you have large tits, you may die. If you have large tits and you are the ‘dumb blonde’ character, face it, you’re fucked.
12) If you’re in the woods and you’ve lost your friend,for god sake don’t try to look for him/her
Why? Reasons below…
1) They’re probably the killer
2) They’re already dead and when you discover their corpse strewn across the bathroom floor in the Act 3 blood bath, the killer will be right behind you, ready and waiting…
13) Don’t go out on Friday 13th
Just watch Friday 13th…trust me, there are reasons
14) Have trust
If somebody tells you that they saw the mad-psycho guy, fucking believe what they say!
15) Car issues…
If your car breaks down, for Christ sake don’t get out of it to try to mend it. Actually – bollocks to that, don’t even be in a car in the first place.
Be like Boris, and use a bicycle.
16) Kill your psycho properly
If you are lucky enough to have knocked out your killer with a shovel, for Christ sake: finish the job off! (Most horror characters do this and then run up to their friend to ask them how they are, whilst behind them, the killer wakes up with the characters blissfully unaware.
17) Be careful where you live
Whatever you do, don’t live:
– Near a grave yard
– In a house where years ago there were a few murders
– Or on top of some ancient indian spiritual ground
Just don’t. Yeah.
18) Don’t leave your own home…
When facing zombies, ensure that you are in a safe, well-secured place: your home. If they enter your home: you’re buggered…In which case, ensure that you’ve contacted the council for planning permission to build a panic room in your house. 5 months prior to the world-wide zombie attack, obviously.
19) Don’t go outside to investigate ‘mysterious noises’
Why? You’ll die, that’s why.
20) Don’t live in a mansion
You thought you’d move into a nice, 18th century mansion in a remote area in the country. You thought it’d be nice. Really? Did you trust the creepy old guy with 5 teeth who greeted you at your arrival? Did you like the man who you had to live with? You know, that bloke who didn’t like garlic, crucifixes, sunlight or wooden stakes? You idiot. You fucking deserve to die.
Next week: 10 ways to prevent horses’ heads being put into your bed.