5 Reasons Why Horror Films Don’t Horrify…

An obvious rule of thumb with a horror film is that it must be scary. In fact, hardcore horror fans want more than just ‘scary’, they want terrifying, they want horrifying. Yet, horrors aren’t as scary as they used to be. But the question is: why?

1) Bloody Disgusting Horrors nowadays attempt to scare their audience by showing them enough blood to ensure that couples will definitely vomit on their date’s leg. This started off with Saw, and then as the years went by, Eli Roth’s ‘Hostel’ came about. However, gore isn’t just a modern thing: 1985, Japanese cinema spewed out the most disgusting and controversial (underground) film ever made: The Flowers of Flesh and Blood. This film consists of close up shots of a woman being mutilated and dismembered…in fact, that is literally what the plot is. The gore was so real that Charlie Sheen contacted the FBI.
So go on, type in ‘the flowers of flesh and blood’ in on YouTube…if you can stomach it, that is.

2) Overrused cliches Horror films are extremely predictable due to the overrused cliches, particularly in the ‘slasher’ sub-genre. You know that one of the characters car will break down leading him/her lost in an abandoned wood, and you know that the killer will kill her. You know that the person who leaves the group will die, and you know that if that person enters a bathroom: they will definitely die. You also know that the killer will say some pathetic, cheesy phrase in an attempt to scare their victims like: ‘I’m coming to get you’ or ‘you’re gonna die’ – Christ, the only originality is coming from Jigsaw: ‘Live or die, make you’re choice’.

3) Characters you couldn’t care about
Characters in horror films are stereotypes, usually consisting of blonde and large-chested bitchy girls who talk about how hunky their boyfriends are. As a result of this, you sit their bored and not at the edge of your seat…in fact, you want them to die, which can only mean that you are not scared of the film at all. (I blame the writing.)

4) Pathetic shock-tactics
Horrors now either try and make you jump (and fail at doing so) or just disgust you: Human Centipede (need I say anymore). Or, turn out to be comedies: Scream 4 (when actually, the writers’ intentions were not to make you laugh…pahaha! LOL!)

5) No originality Yup, it’s just the same old shit used over and over and over again. It’s either teenagers bring murdered in a forest, teenagers being murdered in their homes, teenagers being murdered in creepy houses, teenagers being murdered in brothels, teenagers being murdered in bedrooms, teenagers being murdered in bathrooms, teenagers being murdered in damp, sleazy alleyways, teenagers being murdered in shopping centres, teenagers being murdered in Boots, teenagers being murdered in Superdrug, teenagers being murdered in Toys R us, teenagers being murdered in call centres, teenagers being murdered in – oh you get the idea. Serial killers like their victims do be hormonal, and where else to get a better stock of hormones a-ragin’ kids than in my best mate Rob’s house-party (which is next Thursday, 10.30pm in 17 Smithway drive)…


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