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What if?…

To me, what really makes a film good or bad is the direction. The director makes all of the final choices, as the film is the director’s vision. Due to this, some director’s only direct certain genres – Alfred Hitchcock mainly did suspense movies, David Lynch throws us into nightmarish dream worlds and Stanley Kubrick went all pompous and did some philosophical works on the human condition. However, what would happen if a director directed a movie which didn’t fit into their style of direction?

Below I have listed a few films which that director shouldn’t direct

– Michael Bay directs Bridget Jones’ Diary

Michael Bay is the symbol for dumb cinema and why Hollywood is bad. His films aim to please us by showing us semi-naked girls in bikinis and so many explosions that our eyes might melt. No doubt, if he directed a rom-com, it wouldn’t be funny or romantic, but rather: tragic. Megan Fox (if she doesn’t call him ‘Hitler’) would play the clumsy Bridget, there’d be an unrequited love story between two robots, and to close it all off, there’d be a meteor heading towards earth and a few explosions thrown in for ‘entertainment’. Michael Bay doesn’t do rom-com.

– Stanley Kubrick directs Die Hard

Stanley Kubrick is arguably a director with an immensely distinctive style. The precision and accuracy in all of his films is spot on perfect; yet his films are all mainstream arthouse and meticulously slow-paced. He couldn’t do action. Afterall could you imagine classical music (like in 2001) playing whilst Bruce Willis runs after Alan Rickman? No, you can’t.

– David Lynch directs Bambi

No. Just no.

– Quentin Tarantino directs The King’s Speech

The royal family might complain if the character ‘Burty’ requested foot massages  and said the F-Word throughout the entire movie. No doubt, they might also kick up a fuss of the character ‘Lionel’ was involved in an ear-slicing scene. (God knows why?)

– Steven Spielberg directs Blue Velvet

You can’t put a scissor-rape scene in a family film about an alien who came to earth. It wouldn’t work.

– John Carpenter/Alfred Hitchcock directs Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

Voldermort would be a serial killer who escaped from a mental asylum, he’d kill again…and again…and again.

(There wouldn’t even be a game of Quiditch.)

– George A Romero directs When Harry Met Sally

It’d be ‘interesting’.

Let’s just say, so bad it would be good.

– George Lucas directs Star Wars

…oh wait, he already did.


(I hate it when he does that.)


What would work?

– Alfred Hitchcock directs Halloween

– Stanley Kubrick directs Fight Club

– David Fincher directs The Silence of the Lambs

– Steven Spielberg directs The Shawshank Redemption

– Quentin Tarantino directs Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barells


Next week: what would happen if Christopher Columbus directed The Texas Chainsaw Massacre?… 

The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)


General Information:

The information below is taken from the following link:

  100 min  –  Comedy | Musical   –  26 September 1975 (USA)

DirectorJim SharmanWriters

Richard O’Brien; Jim Sharman


Tim Curry, Susan Sarandon and Barry Bostwick


Janet (Susan Sarandon) and Brad (Barry Bostwick) are a young couple who get lost whilst driving and stumble across a zany scientist known as ‘Frank N Furter’ (Tim Curry), who so happens to be a transvestite from the planet ‘Transsexual’ in the galaxy of ‘Transylvania’; what could possibly go wrong?


The Rocky Horror Picture Show is the granddaddy of all cult films, it is an adaptation of Richard O’Brian’s stage musical; what started off as a flop has over time developed into a worldwide phenomena. People would – and still do – attend midnight screenings, where they dress up as one of the characters, shout out famous lines of dialogue  (“A mental mind fuck can be nice”), and sing along to the songs (‘Time Warp’, ‘Sweet Transvestite’).

Now, that’s the film contextualised; the big question is, how did I feel whilst watching it? Well, let’s put it like this: I’ve never felt like this while watching a film ever. The film is mad, nonsensical, overtly-sexual, is literally covered with tongue-in-cheek-70s humour, contains smatterings of ‘whatthefuck’ laughs and an alien transsexual called ‘Frank N Furter’ from the galaxy of ‘Transsylvania’. Need I say any more?

Here we have a movie that is genuinely very funny, and laugh out loud funny at that. The style of the piece is utterly random, and the main humour of the piece comes from how random the plot is. I was literally laughing at the plot…in a good way.

The set-up for the film is that Janet and Brad’s car breaks down, they need to get a telephone and just by chance they land near a mysterious haunted mansion, they knock on the door and are welcomed to the house by the crooked-backed (‘igor’-esque) servant ‘riff raff’ (Richard O’Brien). Next thing you know, they’re pushed into the main hall where random servants and house-keepers begin to sing and dance to the ‘time warp’, and to add to that, Janet and Brad’s clothes are taken off so that they’re only wearing underwear… and they remain like this throughout the entire movie.

(As you do.)

Now, what started off as a way to just use somebody’s telephone has now ended them up in an unknown mansion filled with singing servants, an alien transvestite who claims to be a ‘scientist’ and the odd statue of a naked person. So far, so 1970s.

Janet and Brad are stopped from leaving, will they every get home? Well, not yet, as they’re taken upstairs by Frank N Furter to meet his new Frankenstein-esque creation, named: ‘Rocky Horror’. Rocky is in a vat filled with rainbow coloured liquid, he is wrapped up in tissue paper like a mummy; after a casual dance routine he is taken out of the vat and the tissue paper is pulled off of him (in another dance routine) to reveal that he’s only wearing golden underpants. After that, meat loaf (yes, meat loaf!) is then introduced to us during a dance number.

A man who’s just wearing golden underpants and a famous singer are in the same scene. The same scene.

To add to this ‘plot’ there are various sub-plots which can be classed as completely and utterly irrelevant, but that doesn’t matter, the irrelevance of the sub-plots add to the film’s twistedly-brilliant charm and humour.

Overall, Rocky Horror is hard to sum up because it’s so random it’s hard to describe, you literally just have to watch it.

However, in a sentence, this is what Rocky Horror is:

a haunted-house movie crossed with a Frankenstein-mad-scientist movie meshed together with the genre of sci-fi, horror-comedy,the ‘LGBT movie’, and perhaps, mystery – all of this done in the style of light hearted, incredibly farcical musical-comedy, with elements of supernatural-horror spoof-comedy thrown in.



Perhaps the randomest, daftest, plotless film ever made. But who cares? It’s brilliant and there were so many ‘whatthefuck’ laughs in it that my throat was literally hurting by the end.