What if?….. – PART TWO

In my original ‘what if?…’ post, I attempted to imagine what would happen if certain directors with trademark styles directed films which they didn’t direct.

Well, here we are again…with more of the same…

1) Alfred Hitchcock directs Brokeback Mountain

OH MY GOD! There’s a bunch of evil sheep…run away from the sheep! Don’t look at them, don’t even touch them, and for god sake, don’t tell them you’re Welsh!

(Suspense movie combined with a romantic film with some sheep thrown in to attract a Welsh audience).

2) James Cameron directs One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

The exact same accept all the characters are blue and Nurse Fletcher is actually a CGI creation and not a real actress…oh, and Leonardo DiCaprio is found when they go deep-sea fishing…mysterious…

3) Quentin Tarantino directs East is East

Not gonna lie…would LOVE to see that…

4) David Lynch directs Bedknobs and Broomsticks

That would just ruin my childhood.

5) Michael Bay directs Citizen Kane

Citizen Kane is arguably one of the most prolific and critically acclaimed film ever made. Yet what would happen if the worst director – who’s style consists of: excessively pointless and ridiculously expensive CGI, so many shots of Megan Fox’s backside that every single bloke in the cinema dies of a heart attack, and so many explosions that you get such a bad case of ear cancer that your ears melt, fall off and splatter all over the floor (all in ‘glorious’ 3D) – directed this movie?

Well, the beginning news real section would be in colour for starters, there’d be so much filler lighting that your eyes would vibrate, and every single newspaper that Charles Foster Kane owned would have a page 3 section.

The sequence where we see young Kane slide down the snow on his sledge would also be altered. Samuel L Jackson, Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck would both chase after him with machine guns – whilst two transformers would be having rough sex in the background – Ben Affleck would then scream the words “c’mon! For christ sakes! You mother f***ing son of motherf***ing b**ch ‘cos you </<insert inane, braindead, cliched dialogue here>/>.

The film would then digress with teenage Charles having a romance with Megan Fox, however, halfway through the film, another actress would play the same character that Megan Fox was playing. (Poor Megan would be fired during filming after calling Mike ‘Hitler’).

After that, there’d be a car chase, a love scene between a decepticon and Britney Spears, and rosebud would be a fucking…..EXPLOSION!!


Next week: What would happen if Steven Spielberg directed The Human Centipede…

Top 30 Films…

This took me hours to write…

  1. A Clockwork Orange – rape, drugs, and murdering with a penis statue (as you do)
  2. Monty Python and the Holy Grail – moose’s that bite your sister, knights that change their names and an evil flying rabbit (and cow)
  3. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World – seven evil exes, a girl with constantly changing hair colour and the best fucking roommate ever to have been born in cinema
  4. The Shawshank Redemption – Morgan Freeman, a heartwrenching story and the best ending to a movie ever
  5. The Color Purple – a heartwarming tale, a girl with no hope and the second best ending to a movie ever
  6. Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb – a pie fight that never existed, an insanely long title and a fight that occurs in a war room
  7. Fight Club – good sex, a lot of fighting and a mind-blowingly good twist
  8. Back to the Future – a son that meets his mother, some fading photographs and a timetravevelling car
  9. Eyes Wide Shut – a nightmarish tale, a turbelent relationship and a disturbing (yet hypnotic) orgy
  10. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest – funny, disturbing and Jack Nicholson at his best
  11. The Shining – heeeeeeeeeeeere’s johneeeeeeee!
  12. Full Metal Jacket – an acid-tongued drill instructor, a psychopathic bald dude and a ‘human enemy’
  13. Reservoir Dogs – ear slicing, swearing and the colour pink
  14. 2001: A Space Odyssey – half an hour of monkeys, a killer computer and a hallucinogenic-infested space trip
  15. Pulp Fiction – violence, swearing and foot massages
  16. Bedknobs and Broomsticks – juggling apples, singing fish and flying beds
  17. 12 Angry Men – 12 jurors, 12 opinions, 1 verdict
  18. The Deer Hunter – steel miners, “I love you babyyy!” and russian roulette
  19. Toy Story 2 – a camera used as a weapon, an evil chicken-man and an irritating texas gold miner
  20. Trainspotting – drugs, life and electrical tin openers
  21. The Man with the Golden Gun – Roger Moore, Scaramanga and a golden gun
  22. Toy Story – an evil child, some annoying (yet cute) aliens and toys that can talk (YES TALK!!)
  23. Taxi Driver – a taxi, a taxi driver, a gun
  24. Airplane! – a guitar that almost kills a child, a killer fish pie and a rather ‘sexually charged’ autopilot
  25. The Silence of the Lambs – an insane psychiatrist, a butterfly and some fava beans with a chianti
  26. Brokeback Mountain – an unforgiving society, a tent (cheekaaay) and some fishing which mysteriously never gets done
  27. Die Hard – Alan Rickman playing a crazy german, the best quote ever (‘yippee-kayyay motherfucker!’) and a lot of ammunition
  28. Mulholland Drive – silencio, a man with a cane that says “there is no band, yet you can hear a band” and a lot of dreams
  29. Commando – a tree lifted up by Arnold Schwarzenegger, a car lifted up by Arnold Schwarzenegger and a phone box (YES A PHONE BOX!!) lifted up by Arnold Schwarzenegger
  30. The Matrix – a world that doesn’t exist, a red and blue pill and a few blokes in glasses

Rocky Horror – Has the Cult Died Down?…

The Rocky Horror Picture Show is pretty much the Granddaddy of all cult films: when it was released, it was ignored by the public, and the Chicago Sun Times resident film critic, Roger Ebert, saw it to be mediocre.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show - one of the greatest cult films ever made

The Rocky Horror Picture Show - one of the greatest cult films ever made

However, in one cinema in Germany, they showed constant midnight screenings of this new, ground-breaking film, filled with sex gay, straight, and between humans alien transvesties and alien transvestites from the planet ‘Transsexual’ in the universe of ‘Transyllvania’.

Rocky Horror was more than just a farcical comedy, it was a celebration of sexuality, which dared to involve the controversial issue of anything ‘un-heterosexual’.

The cult grew, and cinemas across the globe began to show midnight screenings of this new cinematic phenomena. Cult fans went to screenings dressed as the characters, would sing and dance to the songs (‘Time Warp’; ‘Sweet Transvestite’), shout out famous lines of dialogue (“Antici…………………………………………………………..pation”), and even turned the event into a 4D experience (water and confetti were thrown around the cinema).

However, has the cult died?

On Halloween night this year, I went to a re-release screening of Rocky Horror. I dressed up as the narrator. The narrator wears a suit, white shirt with a red tie. Unfortunately, I didn’t have any of these, so I wore a blue shirt, white tie, jeans and converses. (I like to think of myself being dressed up as a ‘contemporary’ version of the narrator, however, my friend, Adam just said ‘You failed’).

Rocky Horror - the film where the main cast where underpants througout...

Rocky Horror - the film where the main cast wear underpants througout...

Anyway, we walked in to the screening room, there were a few people dressed up: the odd Capricorn, one Rocky Horror, a few Magentas, some Frank N Furters, and me dressed up as a ‘contemporary adaptation’ of the narrating criminologist. The rest? Jeans and a T-Shirt. Perhaps, nobody had high-heels and fishnet stockings…or maybe they just had no sense of fun. The bastards.

Either way, I felt like part of the cult, and I waited in antici……pation (yes, I really had to do that) for the film to start. Along came the title song, nobody sang to it, then ‘Damnit Janet’ song, nobody sang…then Time Warp was coming up; I remember thinking that if nobody sang to this, god help me and my criminologist uniform. It started, I stood up, I was going to dance along with it; I turn round, and around 10 other people were standing up in the cinema with around 50 people in its vacinity. What an utter disgrace to human kind these so called ‘cultist-fans’ were.

Either way, I proceeded to sing along to the songs; even if I didn’t know them, I sang nonetheless. I perhaps took it a tad too far (there is a section in the film where Frank N Furter chases Janet after the meal: me and my friend, re-enacted this in the cinema, I was Janet (obviously), he was Frank N Furter, we ran around the front two rows on bent knees. What can I say? It was a 4D cinematic masterpiece we produced…baring in mind, around 50 strangers (maybe  even 100) were watching us).

Now, rambling aside, I must address my original question: has the cult audience of Rocky Horror faded away? Yes. Why? Well, because some old fans might not have the ‘back strength’ to do the innunendo-seeping ‘pelvic thrust’, or maybe because they’ve all grown up and won’t join in with the audience participation. Either way, it is a dreadful shame that this 25-year long-running cultist audience has lost its energy (well, in Milton Keynes X-Scape Cineworld anyway).

So, what to do? How can we bring back the cult? Well, below, I have suggested a few ideas:

1) Media Campaign

There needs to be a fully fledged media campaign across all styles of media. Newspapers such as The Times, The Guardian and The Sun (their page 3 section could consist of Frank N Furter giving a rather ‘naughty pose’).

Television, we need advertising galore, we need trailers of Rocky Horror on WWE and Antiques Roadshow DVD boxsets, and of course, we need Gordon Ramsey to mention it in a cooking commercial.

We’ll also need a great big documentary as well, preferably on BBC1, BBC2 and for reasurance: BBC World. This documentary should be like a lightshow which manipulates viewers minds in such a way that for every second they don’t buy a DVD copy of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, their brain slowly melts.

(You can pretend I never said any of the above).

2) Blackmail Debenhams

Debenhams will need to up its supply of make-up, high heels, fishnet stockings, wigs, innuendo-gag-filled-joke-books, Rocky Horror Picture Show posters, Rocky Horror Picture Show DVDs, Rocky Horror Picture Show Blue-Rays, Rocky Horror Picture Show HD-Compatible CDs, and Rocky Horror Picture Show bric-a-brac (including: mugs, T-Shirts, glasses, novelty ironing boards, golden underpants, hoodies with famous quotes such as “I didn’t make him for you”, “A mental mind-fuck can be nice’ and ‘antici…..pation’). Oh, and all staff members must be dressed up as one of the characters otherwise they’ll be threatened with loosing their jobs.

3) Blackmail Rymans

The exact same thing but in a stationary store.

That should do it.

Next week: How to turn Blue Velvet and The Exorcist into a 4D experience.