What if?….. – PART TWO

In my original ‘what if?…’ post, I attempted to imagine what would happen if certain directors with trademark styles directed films which they didn’t direct.

Well, here we are again…with more of the same…

1) Alfred Hitchcock directs Brokeback Mountain

OH MY GOD! There’s a bunch of evil sheep…run away from the sheep! Don’t look at them, don’t even touch them, and for god sake, don’t tell them you’re Welsh!

(Suspense movie combined with a romantic film with some sheep thrown in to attract a Welsh audience).

2) James Cameron directs One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

The exact same accept all the characters are blue and Nurse Fletcher is actually a CGI creation and not a real actress…oh, and Leonardo DiCaprio is found when they go deep-sea fishing…mysterious…

3) Quentin Tarantino directs East is East

Not gonna lie…would LOVE to see that…

4) David Lynch directs Bedknobs and Broomsticks

That would just ruin my childhood.

5) Michael Bay directs Citizen Kane

Citizen Kane is arguably one of the most prolific and critically acclaimed film ever made. Yet what would happen if the worst director – who’s style consists of: excessively pointless and ridiculously expensive CGI, so many shots of Megan Fox’s backside that every single bloke in the cinema dies of a heart attack, and so many explosions that you get such a bad case of ear cancer that your ears melt, fall off and splatter all over the floor (all in ‘glorious’ 3D) – directed this movie?

Well, the beginning news real section would be in colour for starters, there’d be so much filler lighting that your eyes would vibrate, and every single newspaper that Charles Foster Kane owned would have a page 3 section.

The sequence where we see young Kane slide down the snow on his sledge would also be altered. Samuel L Jackson, Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck would both chase after him with machine guns – whilst two transformers would be having rough sex in the background – Ben Affleck would then scream the words “c’mon! For christ sakes! You mother f***ing son of motherf***ing b**ch ‘cos you </<insert inane, braindead, cliched dialogue here>/>.

The film would then digress with teenage Charles having a romance with Megan Fox, however, halfway through the film, another actress would play the same character that Megan Fox was playing. (Poor Megan would be fired during filming after calling Mike ‘Hitler’).

After that, there’d be a car chase, a love scene between a decepticon and Britney Spears, and rosebud would be a fucking…..EXPLOSION!!


Next week: What would happen if Steven Spielberg directed The Human Centipede…


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