HORROR FEST: 50 Ways to Survive a Horror Film

To celebrate my horror fest, here are 50 fun neat little tricks you should use if you ever wake up in a horror film!

1) Always be nice to the shy, unpopular girl at school

She’ll probably take revenge on all of her bullies until they face a lovely gory death. She may have supernatural powers. She may be tired of being bullied and starts taking revenge on her bullies with the aid of her trusty butchers knife.

2) If you’re gonna get killed…

If you’re gonna get killed and you know that there’s no way out, ensure that you’re in a low-budget, cheapo gore-fest, because that way you’ll come back in the sequel!

3) Zombie target

When battling zombies in a zombie apocalypse, ensure that you always hit the zombie in the head/brain area. That way, you know that the undead are…dead.

4) Be utterly boring

No drugs. No sex. No alcohol. No parties. Whatever you do, DON’T be the popular kid at school.

5) Don’t have a six-pack

You’re the really fit jock at school which everyone drools all over because of how incredibly hench he is. Look at those pecs! Those biceps! That six-pack…oh, look, he’s been stabbed repeatedly to death by a serial killer and his body has now been completely dismembered.

Ensure that you’re the skinny weakling with glasses.

Don't be this hot guy, no matter how much you want to be him.
Don’t be this hot guy, no matter how much you want to be him.

6) Don’t have blonde hair and big tits

Similar to the one above. You’re probably going out with him. The borderline perverted psycho will kill you. Kill you.

It also helps if you’re not a cheerleader.

Whatever you do, don't be a hot, blonde, big-chested cheerleader
Whatever you do, don’t be a hot, blonde, big-chested cheerleader

7) Never watch a horror movie in a horror movie

Basic error. If you do this, you will die.

8) Never run to the top floor

Your only way out will be to jump out of the building, and you’ll have two options of death:

1 – Suicide

2 – Get stabbed by the serial killer/ripped apart by zombies/or just generally murdered in any perverted, disgusting, inhuman way

9) Always check the back seat of the car

There’ll probably be something lurking in the back which will lead to your fate.

Watch the original (John Carpenter) Halloween for further details.

10) Check your car

Even before entering the spooky town or whatever place your friends and potentially you could be murdered in, it is advisable to check that your car batteries and engine are working and are in top quality condition. After all, it would be at some inconvenience when trying to escape the spooky town and your car won’t start.

11) Observe lights

If they flash on and off, you’re fucked.

12) Don’t go near wardrobes

Two things will either happen.

1 – Murderous thing that will murder you (zombie, killer…etc…) will come out of it and make you experience a fat worse than a fate worse than death.

2 – Nothings in the wardrobe! Phew!….what’s this? there’s a stab wound in my chest…oh no!

Avoid at all cost. It is not a gateway to Narnia.
Avoid at all cost. It is not a gateway to Narnia.

13) The unlucky number

Don’t go out – let alone go to a summer camp – on Friday 13th.

14) Avoid deserted towns

It’s deserted for a reason…

15) Never go into an old motel

Norman Bates will murder you when you shower!

It's no Premier Inn...
It’s no Premier Inn…

16) Don’t have a penis

The last survivor of most horror movies is almost always a woman. Just watch the classics: Halloween, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Dawn of the Dead…etc…

Your penis is your enemy.

Be a girl instead...
Be a girl instead…

17) Stay away from paintball guns

It’s a crap weapon and most likely will get you killed.

18) Some nights are best left…

Don’t go out on Friday 13th, Halloween or prom night. In fact, don’t even stay in your house. Go to a hotel…actually, don’t go to a hotel (number 15 advises otherwise)…just…oh I don’t know…

19) Listen to the insane old woman

If she tells you that trouble is coming and evil is around, she’s correct and don’t you dare ignore her!

20) Never pick up a hitchhiker

He/she will either:

a) Murder you

b) Be murdered with you

21) When driving…

When driving don’t take the back roads/short cuts/roads in the country…go on the busy roads instead. The motorway is most advisable (unless if you’re in a Final Destination film and you see a huge vehicle carrying trees…obviously).

22) Rollercoasters…

Steer clear from these. And all fair grounds, theme parks and anything deemed as being ‘fun’. Also, clowns will kill you, stay away from them.

23) Baby zombies

Aren’t they adorable? Nawww…look at them, with their tiny hands and feet and….cuttteee!

NO! Murder them. Treat them like any other zombie.

Kill the murderous rascal at all cost
Kill the murderous rascal at all cost

24) Steer clear from bars, pubs

Any area where alcohol can be consumed you must steer clear from. You don’t want to be drunk. Plus, if there are zombies outside, pubs are most definitely a no-go-zone.

25) His best friend was his mother…

Avoid anyone who was a loner and who looks after his mother who is aged around 25-50.

26) Top secret…

If by some curious chance, a top secret, obscure military tanker filled with plutonium or any dangerous chemical is left on your doorstep. Return it.

27) If you become a zombie…

Just eat all the human flesh you can, and learn to love it. Especially intestines and brains – I hear they’re kinda tasty.

28) Email me

If you see Brad Pitt dressed as a vampire, please email me asap.

29) Seems obvious

Having a vampire as a dinner guest is never a good idea. Seems obvious, but no matter how charming he is, don’t let him in.

30) If the power goes off

If the power goes off, don’t try to fix it by going to the generator or control box. You may get back-stabbed, quite literally.

31) Avoid friends

If your friends leave you for more than 10 minutes, don’t try to look for them, for you will end up like them…

32) A bad boyfriend…

A guy that locks himself in a cage at night isn’t a good boyfriend. Yeah he may be kinda cute and have nice pecs n abs, not to mention the fact that he’s incredibly romantic, but for godsake, ditch him! He’s a werewolf!

33) Full moon

Don’t go out on a full moon…

34) Edward vs Jacob

Don’t get involved in century old grudges between vampires and werewolves. Just don’t.

Let alone form a stupid love-triangle in a Twilight film.

35) Don’t check if he/she’s dead

After killing monster/zombie/serial killer don’t check if they’re dead, because…they’re probably not.

36) Kill ’em properly!

To ensure that you don’t have to carry out nom.35, kill your monster/zombie/killer properly. Shoot them in the face a few times, rip of their arm, bash them repeatedly around the face with a sledge-hammer. Be inventive. Just ensure that you’ve killed them…just don’t actually check if they’re dead though.

37) AVOID ALL BATHROOMS!

Perhaps the most important rule to obey when in a horror film, ever. Bathrooms = danger. Most classic horror film sequences occur in  bathrooms. The most famous being Psycho and The Shining.

38) Don’t hide in wardrobe

Just don’t.

39) Avoid the following places:

Attics, basements, cemeteries, barns, garages. You will be eaten and/or stabbed.

40) Screaming  blonde girls

If by chance you are stuck with the stock character of the terrified sexy blonde girl. If she screams, kill her immediately, she is a distraction and could get you killed. And when you’ve killed her, don’t feel guilty, she would have died anyway.

See nom.6 for further details.

41) Hearing strange sounds?

If you hear a strange/weird sound. It’s not just wind or “the cat”.

42) Also avoid:

– Swimming pools

– Beaches

Anywhere with water basically. To further add to that, don’t go skinny dipping, and don’t take any of your clothes off to show your girlfriend how incredibly hench you are…because you’ll then be showing her how incredibly dead you are.

43) Don’t split up

If you’re in a group, don’t split up into groups, you’re just making it easier for all of you to die.

44) Avoid latin texts…

Books in ancient latin texts, or scrolls in ancient text should never be read aloud. Not even for a joke.

45) Other forms of literature to avoid

If you find a book bound with human flesh, and has words written in blood, drop it immediately and whatever you do, don’t read it.

46) Warning signs

If lights switch on and off, microwaves, fridges, blenders, coffee machines, or any electrical appliance switch on and off or are becoming temperamental, it’s happening for a reason. Escape the town you’re in immediately, or die.

47) Dogs

If your dog starts to bark angrily at a friend/family member, avoid that person.

48) People with robes, hoods, or dressed all in black aren’t trying to look hip or fashionable

Avoid them.

49) Steer clear of child’s toys

Especially dolls and musical boxes.

50) Head-twisting and projectile-vomitting

If your friend/family member is doing the above, for godsake…RUN!

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