After taking a day off of horror films, yesterday I decided to watch a horror film, only to discover that a vagina dentata movie stormed straight into my eye sockets…
Dawn is a young girl, brought up and raised with traditional right-wing values. No sex before marriage, and masturbation is a big no-no. She then suddenly falls in love with a boy, and when she doesn’t want sex, he rapes her, only to lead with his penis being chopped off by the teeth inside her vagina…
Teeth. A movie with a rubbish title considering its subject-matter. I’ve come up with my own alternative-titles:
1) Attack of the Penis-Chomping Vagina
2) Revenge of the Clitoris
3) My Pussy Will Bite You
4) The Killer Kunt
6) If You Have Sex With Me, I’ll Bite Off Your Genitals
7) Cock-block 2: Penis No More
8) Extremist- Feminist 5: Bush of Thorns
9) Sex and the City 4
10) Slice the Sausage or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Chop Your Dick Off
Even though I managed to make all of those titles, I must point out that the film unfolds in a very serious way – of course there are a few comic moments (a dog eats a chopped off penis) – but it doesn’t unfold in a so-bad-it’s good fashion. Jokes aside, I genuinely don’t quite know what I saw and I think I’m still recovering. All, I know is, that I definitely did like it, but I’m unsure why. There are moments in this movie which are between shock and comedy. Dawn goes to a doctor after she realises that her genitals have gnashing capabilities. The doctor inspects her vagina, and puts a few fingers up there to see if everything is okay. Suddenly we hear something inside of her bite down, and his hand is literally stuck: there’s a sequence where he tries to pull it out, only ending up pulling Dawn with him, and a few fiddling moments later we cut to see four bloody fingers strewn on the floor. A shame. By this point, my sympathy was for Dawn. Bizarrely, I wanted the doctor to help her, to find her treatment to take the teeth out. I think this is why I’m so confused. I genuinely cared about the main character and had a moving emotional experience with her, even though this film has the most ludicrous plot-lines in cinema history. I was saddened when nobody could help her deadly vagina.
There are moments where I sympathise with Dawn and then following them there are moments where I just want to slap her for her overtly-right-wing nature. There’s a moment where she is about to masturbate, but stops and just whispers to herself: purity, purity. The film is essentially Everything You Needed to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask) combined with Jaws.
The setting is like some kind of David Lynch town: perfect America, white picket fences, bright green grass, and a pretty blonde girl who gives speeches to young kids to be pure – to which they then disturbingly chant back epigrams associated with sex afterwards. She rides a bicycle towards her school like some kind of innocent nun, romantic piano music plays in the background – all the while, we know that her pussy has jaws. It’s a bizarre experience.
Bizarrely, the film has a message as well. Everytime she doesn’t have consent when having sex, the teeth set into action – but if she consents, they do not. Teeth is one of the most stridently anti-masculine anti-rape films ever made next to the 1978 exploitation masterpiece, I Spit on Your Grave.
Either way, I don’t quite know what I saw, but I definitely did like the tagline:
Every rose has its thorn.