Horror Fest: DAY 12

Sorry about late posting! The day before yesterday was supposed to be ‘day 12’, but I picked a film from my 50 horror boxset, watched it and it wasn’t even a horror! If you’re curious about it, it was a film called The Fatal Hour and stars eyebrow-wizard, Boris Karloff.

Ju-on: The Grudge (2002):

http://www.imdb.co.uk/title/tt0364385/

Plot:

A curse is inflicted upon a house, and whoever enters it is left terrified or dead.

Review:

Ju on: The Grudge (2002)

This psychological horror has some interesting set-pieces in terms of how effective ‘jump n scream’ horror should be directed. It’s a horror film which is very good at surprising you, or catching you out with the child-monster coming out somewhere you didn’t expect. The child in this is remarkably quite sinister: he’s small, thin, has an innocent round head and adorable large eyes – yet with a painted face, blank expression and completely sterile-of-emotion-black-eyes, all of the ‘adorableness’ is sucked away. He’s called Toshio, and he usually lurks in corners, or behind windows or in the nooks and crannies of the house, and is the creepiest child in a horror film I’ve ever seen. Woop-woop.

The film has a different approach to the conventional horror structure. Rather than following one character’s journey, it follows several, so the film unfolds in a very episodic structure. Each chapter of the film allows us to see how that specific character(s) has been affected by the events, and tells its own story, and provides its own scares. However, jumping from one character to the next, doesn’t give us enough time to develop a relationship with any particular character, so the film feels more like a lot a horror-film-cum-sketch-show. This is at once an insult and a compliment: the film could have been more sinister if it stayed with one character, but the structure is very refreshing.

Perhaps another criticism of the film is its style of being creepy and sinister. It involves a lot of ‘jump’ moments, which are fine after the first half hour, but soon I got tired of them or managed to guess when they would come. Good ‘jump n scare’ horror manages to sustain this style throughout – Halloween for example – this, not so much in my opinion, it feels like its scare-factor weakens towards the end.

I usually despise the comparison of horror and comedy, because they – to me – anyway are complete opposites. However, they work in a similar way in terms of emotional reactions. Comedies – to be really successful – have to employ lots of different styles of jokes, otherwise you become immune to them. Constant one-liner gags get dull after a while, as do constant ‘jump n scream’ moments.

Verdict: 3/5

Horror Fest: DAY 11

The Blood on Satan’s Claw (1971):

http://www.imdb.co.uk/title/tt0066849/

Plot:

A man discovers an inhuman skull in a field. This then leads to certain people developing skin from the devil, and a secret cult being formed…

Review:

The Blood on Satan’s Claw (1971)

Well that was a masterpiece in blandness. Here we have a film which isn’t boring but just uninteresting. At least the positive aspects of a boring film is that it stands out. This is perfectly forgettable. I don’t think this mini-review will be long in length due to the uninterestingness of this film, but hoh-hum, I shall plough through.

It is a horror-drama where the characters are so uninteresting that they’re not just cardboard cut-outs, but just bits of skin which say words. The sequences of horror in this film are so terrible. Creepy music plays, but visuals do not match. Any director who understands how cinema works will tell you that visuals and sound have to align so that they both work together. It’s as if they did a Kevin Smith, picked up a camera and pressed record. Actually, not “it’s as if”, they probably did. An example of this would be when the cult group gather round a young girl whilst a teenage boy rapes her. The girl is then stabbed in the back with a pair of shears. You’d think this section would be disturbing, or slightly uncomfortable. Nope. Just bland. It doesn’t even have the power to make you wince.

The film is shot in such a way to suggest that the people behind it have no interest. It’s all medium shots. No close-ups or extreme close-ups, and the camera hardly moves to explore the environment. The drama lacks any sense of intensity even though the subject matter concerns murderous, raping, torturous cult possessed by the devil. All of the characters talk in deadpan monotones – it’s as if the entire thing wants to make you drift off to sleep.

This piece of filmmaking lacks cinema.

Verdict: 1/5

Horror Fest: DAY 5

After the first five minutes of watching Mist, I was happy to see that the character, Gwen from Merlin was in it, and rising TV-actor, Andrew Lee-Potts starred as well.

Red Mist (aka ‘Freakdog’) (2008):

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1185264/

Plot:

Hospital staff abuse a man with a stutter. They make him consume lots of alcohol, he has an epileptic fit and goes into a coma. He is then injected with a miracle drug and his soul goes into other people’s bodies so he can take his revenge…

Review:

Red Mist (2008)

Red Mist is essentially a conventional slasher film wearing the disguise of a possession-horror. It’s all rather silly and has lines where Merlin-girl says jokingly says “I’ll be next”, and hoh-hum she is. Perhaps I’ve just been desensitised because I watch too many horror films, but this bordering on the inventive horror isn’t particularly scary or tense, in fact I laughed at certain sections at its rubbishness. It is essentially an exploration of mal-practice and how one bad decision leads to serious consequences. I picture the writers chuckling away and guffawing constantly because they think that somehow this is deep.

The plot starts off with a party, where hospital staff are drinking and consuming drugs which they’ve stolen from the Hospital. Unfortunately for them, Kenneth, records one of them stealing the drugs. So, they make him consume all of the alcohol filled with the drugs in order to somehow make him forget. He has an epileptic fit. They dump him on the side of the road. He is then in a coma. These are doctors and nurses you do not want to be treated by.

A wonder drug has been discovered, but is currently in the development process – it is said that this drug may help coma patients. Our main heroine then feels guilty, and uses mal-practice to save him by forging signatures to get access to the drug. However, the drug then ups his brainwaves, and allows his soul to enter other people’s bodies, who now act out as mere vessels for his scheme of death and destruction. Using these carriers, he kills off the doctors and nurses who abused him in the beginning one by one.

Inventive yes, but original it is not. As I have said before, horror films should pray on basic fear, and this film doesn’t. Also, for a slasher film to work, you must at least care about some of the characters who are slaughtered by the killers. This is hardly the case here. Perhaps, I just never took it seriously from the beginning because I’m progressively getting more desensitised, but I just felt that it was rather silly.

I just want to see something 5 stars…now…please.

Verdict: 2/5

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

0.5 STARS

General Information:

Information below is taken from the following link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1467304/

18  92 min  –  Drama | Horror | Thriller  –   20 August 2010 (Ireland)

Director

Tom Six

Writers

Tom Six

Stars 

Dieter Laser; Ashley C. Williams ; Ashlynn Yennie

Plot:

Mad scientist, Dr Heiter (Dieter Laser) captures two girls on a tour across Europe to form his life-long fantasy: conjoining three people together, mouth to anus, to form “The Human Centipede”.

Review:

Before I start, I’d like to just say the history of how this movie came about. Tom Six jokingly said to a mate that paedophiles should be punished by having their mouths sowed to truck drivers’ anuses. That’s it. And if there’s more, I honestly don’t care, and don’t want to know.

Oscar Wilde once said that “bad art is the result of good intentions”. Perhaps this film was made with good intentions, but then again, could you call this film a work of art?

This movie is a lot of things. Being a “good movie” is unfortunately for our, dear director, Tom Six, not one of them. It’s a sick movie. But then again, aren’t all horror movies sick? There’s a theory called ‘pleasure for displeasure’. It explains why we watch horror films. We watch them because we like being frightened. We watch them because we like that thrill of adrenaline. We watch them because we like being left shaking by the end. We like being displeasured. Yet, The Human Centipede isn’t ‘pleasure for displeasure’. It’s ‘displeasure for displeasure’. If I had to personify this movie, it would be that weird eight-year old kid who always picks his nose in class and in the playground runs around chasing girls with dog-crap dripping off the end of a stick that he found on the ground.

A friend once told me that "the poster was the only good thing about this movie"...he was right

A good horror movie knows how to hit us, knows what fears to strike. A good horror movie prods and attacks are basic fears with visceral intensity. The fear of being alone. The fear of being followed. The fear of death. The fear of losing a loved one. The fear of the supernatural. Even the worst slasher movie attempts to scare us with these, The Human Centipede does not. Yes, people are followed, and people die – but the movie itself doesn’t attempt to scare us via these mere plot devices (and believe me, that’s all they actually are). It attempts to scare us with its concept: close-ups on the faces of the girls attached to each other’s close encounters of the pelvic kind, mucus oozing from one of the girls’ cheeks due to an infection, teeth being taken off, kneecaps cut open, the anus cut open, the section where the mad Dr Heiter demands that the ‘human centipede’ picks up a newspaper like a dog and gives it to him, the section where Katsuro – who’s at the front – has to ‘go to the toilet’, thereby force feeding the person in the middle with well…you know what I’m talking about.

Dr. Heiter has fun with his 'pet' by treating it like a dog...

The movie attempts to scare us with its concept rather than scaring us by attacking our fears. At the beginning of this review I compared this film to an eight-year old chasing girls with dog-crap on a stick. Shoving vile stuff in the viewer’s faces isn’t scary, it’s not. At first, it’s disgusting, and then…it’s boring.

Of course, there will be some horror-fans who like this movie, and find its concept interesting, different, and original compared to most horror films. Perhaps there’s a subtext to this film. Is Dr. Heiter a symbol of Josef Mengele, the infamous Nazi? Either way, I frankly don’t care.

There are other things which made me loathe this movie. Let’s look at the set-up for example. Two girls are in a car, they’re trying to get to a party which they’ve been invited to be some “cute German waiter”. But, oh dear! The tyre’s flattened! Seconds later, a car drives towards them until they’re side by side, revealing a perverted German man who mistakes them for being porn-stars. He offers to have sex with them, they scream and go ‘ewww’ and tell him to go away, which thankfully he does. From the start, the movie’s shoving weird sexual fetishes in our faces. But things get worse. Sooner or later the girls give up and walk out of the car and into the woods. One of them breaks down crying, and there’s the usual “hello!…help us” dialogue. Fortunately (or rather, unfortunately) one of them sees a light to a house. They knock on the door, and what man should luckily be behind their but the good old trusty Dr Heiter! Hooray! Effectively, all of that was a plot-device to lead to Tom Six’s weird threesome-like-you’ve-never-seen-it-before-extravaganza. All of that was there simply so he could show the world his concept.

Oh well, the cinematography was kinda nice.

Unfortunately I couldn't find any examples of nice cinematography on the internet for this film as most of them involve shots of the centipede itself (God knows why?...). Either way, observe how our director Tom Six has used a low-angle shot and 'hot windows' to accentuate the evil presence of the villain...

Verdict:

A movie that didn’t frighten, disturb or shock me. But rather made me want to either fall asleep or turn off the television. Go watch a David Cronenberg movie instead.

50 Ways to Survive a Horror Movie

1) Always be nice to the shy, unpopular girl at school

She’ll probably take revenge on all of her bullies until they face a lovely gory death. She may have supernatural powers. She may be tired of being bullied and starts taking revenge on her bullies with the aid of her trusty butchers knife.

2) If you’re gonna get killed…

If you’re gonna get killed and you know that there’s no way out, ensure that you’re in a low-budget, cheapo gore-fest, because that way you’ll come back in the sequel!

3) Zombie target

When battling zombies in a zombie apocalypse, ensure that you always hit the zombie in the head/brain area. That way, you know that the undead are…dead.

4) Be utterly boring

No drugs. No sex. No alcohol. No parties. Whatever you do, DON’T be the popular kid at school.

5) Don’t have a six-pack

You’re the really fit jock at school which everyone drools all over because of how incredibly hench he is. Look at those pecs! Those biceps! That six-pack…oh, look, he’s been stabbed repeatedly to death by a serial killer and his body has now been completely dismembered.

Ensure that you’re the skinny weakling with glasses.

Don't be this hot guy, no matter how much you want to be him.

6) Don’t have blonde hair and big tits

Similar to the one above. You’re probably going out with him. The borderline perverted psycho will kill you. Kill you.

It also helps if you’re not a cheerleader.

Whatever you do, don't be a hot, blonde, big-chested cheerleader

7) Never watch a horror movie in a horror movie

Basic error. If you do this, you will die.

8) Never run to the top floor

Your only way out will be to jump out of the building, and you’ll have two options of death:

1 – Suicide

2 – Get stabbed by the serial killer/ripped apart by zombies/or just generally murdered in any perverted, disgusting, inhuman way

9) Always check the back seat of the car

There’ll probably be something lurking in the back which will lead to your fate.

Watch the original (John Carpenter) Halloween for further details.

10) Check your car

Even before entering the spooky town or whatever place your friends and potentially you could be murdered in, it is advisable to check that your car batteries and engine are working and are in top quality condition. After all, it would be at some inconvenience when trying to escape the spooky town and your car won’t start.

11) Observe lights

If they flash on and off, you’re fucked.

12) Don’t go near wardrobes

Two things will either happen.

1 – Murderous thing that will murder you (zombie, killer…etc…) will come out of it and make you experience a fat worse than a fate worse than death.

2 – Nothings in the wardrobe! Phew!….what’s this? there’s a stab wound in my chest…oh no!

Avoid at all cost. It is not a gateway to Narnia.

13) The unlucky number

Don’t go out – let alone go to a summer camp – on Friday 13th.

14) Avoid deserted towns

It’s deserted for a reason…

15) Never go into an old motel

Norman Bates will murder you when you shower!

It's no Premier Inn...

16) Don’t have a penis

The last survivor of most horror movies is almost always a woman. Just watch the classics: Halloween, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Dawn of the Dead…etc…

Your penis is your enemy.

Be a girl instead...

17) Stay away from paintball guns

It’s a crap weapon and most likely will get you killed.

18) Some nights are best left…

Don’t go out on Friday 13th, Halloween or prom night. In fact, don’t even stay in your house. Go to a hotel…actually, don’t go to a hotel (number 15 advises otherwise)…just…oh I don’t know…

19) Listen to the insane old woman

If she tells you that trouble is coming and evil is around, she’s correct and don’t you dare ignore her!

20) Never pick up a hitchhiker

He/she will either:

a) Murder you

b) Be murdered with you

21) When driving…

When driving don’t take the back roads/short cuts/roads in the country…go on the busy roads instead. The motorway is most advisable (unless if you’re in a Final Destination film and you see a huge vehicle carrying trees…obviously).

22) Rollercoasters…

Steer clear from these. And all fair grounds, theme parks and anything deemed as being ‘fun’. Also, clowns will kill you, stay away from them.

23) Baby zombies

Aren’t they adorable? Nawww…look at them, with their tiny hands and feet and….cuttteee!

NO! Murder them. Treat them like any other zombie.

Kill the murderous rascal at all cost

24) Steer clear from bars, pubs

Any area where alcohol can be consumed you must steer clear from. You don’t want to be drunk. Plus, if there are zombies outside, pubs are most definitely a no-go-zone.

25) His best friend was his mother…

Avoid anyone who was a loner and who looks after his mother who is aged around 25-50.

26) Top secret…

If by some curious chance, a top secret, obscure military tanker filled with plutonium or any dangerous chemical is left on your doorstep. Return it.

 

27) If you become a zombie…

Just eat all the human flesh you can, and learn to love it. Especially intestines and brains – I hear they’re kinda tasty.

28) Email me

If you see Brad Pitt dressed as a vampire, please email me asap.

29) Seems obvious

Having a vampire as a dinner guest is never a good idea. Seems obvious, but no matter how charming he is, don’t let him in.

30) If the power goes off

If the power goes off, don’t try to fix it by going to the generator or control box. You may get back-stabbed, quite literally.

31) Avoid friends

If your friends leave you for more than 10 minutes, don’t try to look for them, for you will end up like them…

32) A bad boyfriend…

A guy that locks himself in a cage at night isn’t a good boyfriend. Yeah he may be kinda cute and have nice pecs n abs, not to mention the fact that he’s incredibly romantic, but for godsake, ditch him! He’s a werewolf!

33) Full moon

Don’t go out on a full moon…

34) Edward vs Jacob

Don’t get involved in century old grudges between vampires and werewolves. Just don’t.

Let alone form a stupid love-triangle in a Twilight film.

35) Don’t check if he/she’s dead

After killing monster/zombie/serial killer don’t check if they’re dead, because…they’re probably not.

36) Kill ’em properly!

To ensure that you don’t have to carry out nom.35, kill your monster/zombie/killer properly. Shoot them in the face a few times, rip of their arm, bash them repeatedly around the face with a sledge-hammer. Be inventive. Just ensure that you’ve killed them…just don’t actually check if they’re dead though.

37) AVOID ALL BATHROOMS!

Perhaps the most important rule to obey when in a horror film, ever. Bathrooms = danger. Most classic horror film sequences occur in  bathrooms. The most famous being Psycho and The Shining.

38) Don’t hide in wardrobe

Just don’t.

39) Avoid the following places:

Attics, basements, cemeteries, barns, garages. You will be eaten and/or stabbed.

40) Screaming  blonde girls

If by chance you are stuck with the stock character of the terrified sexy blonde girl. If she screams, kill her immediately, she is a distraction and could get you killed. And when you’ve killed her, don’t feel guilty, she would have died anyway.

See nom.6 for further details.

41) Hearing strange sounds?

If you hear a strange/weird sound. It’s not just wind or “the cat”.

42) Also avoid:

– Swimming pools

– Beaches

Anywhere with water basically. To further add to that, don’t go skinny dipping, and don’t take any of your clothes off to show your girlfriend how incredibly hench you are…because you’ll then be showing her how incredibly dead you are.

43) Don’t split up

If you’re in a group, don’t split up into groups, you’re just making it easier for all of you to die.

44) Avoid latin texts…

Books in ancient latin texts, or scrolls in ancient text should never be read aloud. Not even for a joke.

45) Other forms of literature to avoid

If you find a book bound with human flesh, and has words written in blood, drop it immediately and whatever you do, don’t read it.

46) Warning signs

If lights switch on and off, microwaves, fridges, blenders, coffee machines, or any electrical appliance switch on and off or are becoming temperamental, it’s happening for a reason. Escape the town you’re in immediately, or die.

47) Dogs

If your dog starts to bark angrily at a friend/family member, avoid that person.

48) People with robes, hoods, or dressed all in black aren’t trying to look hip or fashionable

Avoid them.

49) Steer clear of child’s toys

Especially dolls and musical boxes.

50) Head-twisting and projectile-vomitting

If your friend/family member is doing the above, for godsake…RUN!