5 Things They Didn’t Want to Tell You…(7)

All trivia is from:

www.imdb.com

1) Hard Candy (2008)

Because Ellen Page shaved her head for her previous film role, during the audition she was mistaken for a boy. The effect was so off-putting she had to put on a wig, where she then gave a phenomenal reading.

Hard Candy (2008)

Hard Candy (2008)

2) Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1978)

The giant ear muffs that the giant tomato is wearing at the end was actually two big bright green toilet seat covers.   

Classic cult movie with a hillariously dumb quote: "Aaaargh!"

Classic cult movie with a hillariously dumb quote: "Aaaargh!"

3) The Room (2003)

After a very limited theatrical run, the film has become popular as a “midnight movie,” with a cult following. Audience members dress up as the characters, throw plastic spoons at the screen, and toss footballs to each other. Tommy Wiseau attends many screenings, and holds Q&A sessions with the audience.

The Room...is this the worst movie ever made?...

The Room...is this the worst movie ever made?...

4) Avengers Assemble (2012)

Chris Evans once sent a text message to Clark Gregg simply saying “Assemble”, which is the tagline for the movie. Gregg stated that this was his favorite text message ever sent to him.

Not that Chris Evans...

Not that Chris Evans...

5) 8 1/2 (1963)

Federico Fellini attached a note to himself below the camera’s eyepiece which read, “Remember, this is a comedy.”

Classic Fellini

Classic Fellini

 

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Let’s Censor Film Censorship

The rating system is an absolute joke

The rating system is an absolute joke

I’ve never been a fan of film censorship, I completely disagree with the concept of censoring the arts or stopping an entire group of people watching a film because they’re ‘not old enough’. It’s just patronising, and let’s be honest: books, music, pamphlets, pictures, paintings don’t have an age-rating. So why do films?

Either way, above is an example of the ludicrous nature of film censorship. Surely films like Bully should have a universal certificate to ensure that everyone sees the damaging effects of bullying?

Rant over.

My 30 Greatest Movie Moments…

Movies can manipulate us in ways that we never thought possible. Perhaps The Shining disturbed you so much that every time you see a hallway, a naked woman in a bath or identical twins, you immediately put your hands over your mouth and sob.

Yet, it could be argued, that what we remember most from a movie, isn’t necessarily how we felt whilst watching it, but what actually happened – or to be more precise: what scene had the most impact on us.

Below, I have listed my 30 of the most memorable moments in cinema, they have been listed there because they are personal to me and because they are instantly recognisable.

1)      The Deer Hunter – The Russian Roulette Scenes

Russian Roulette in The Deer Hunter

Russian Roulette in The Deer Hunter

The Deer Hunter is a disturbingly powerful movie, where its effect on the audience effectively clings on to the few scenes where the characters play Russian Roulette either because they’re being forced to, or…for fun. There’s an old movie cliche about ‘being at the edge of your seat’, and its never been so true with this film, the feeling of not knowing what will happen when the trigger is pulled is like no other.

2)      When Harry Met Sally – Fake Orgasm in a restaurant

Sally pulls a funny orgasm face...

Sally pulls a funny orgasm face...

When Harry Met Sally is perhaps the best romantic-comedy ever made. It is my belief that the best scene in the movie is when Harry and Sally discuss why women fake orgasm during sex. Harry claims that he’s never had a girl ‘fake it’, because he thinks that he’ll know…Sally leaves him speechless by ‘faking it’ in the middle of a busy restaurant, making the loudest moans and groans possible. Classic.

3)      The Shining – “Heereee’s Johny!

"Hereeee's Johneeeee!"

"Hereeee's Johneeeee!"

The most iconic scene in a horror film ever, indeed perhaps the most quotable line from a Kubrick film next to Nicole Kidman’s final word in Eyes Wide Shut.

4)      The Texas Chainsaw Massacre – Dinner time!

Screenshot from one of my favourite horror films

Screenshot from one of my favourite horror films

That awkward moment when you wake up from being unconscious strapped to a chair in front of a family of cannibals…

5)      The Human Centipede – The credit sequence

The best part about Tom Six’s ‘masterpiece’ is when it ends. Notice the way in which the credits roll up in such a petulant manner…there’s clearly symbolism there…

6)      The Shawshank Redemption – The ending

I’m not ruining it.

7)      The Rocky Horror Picture Show – The Floor Show

The 'Floor Show' in The Rocky Horror Picture Show...

The 'Floor Show' in The Rocky Horror Picture Show...

The Rocky Horror Picture Show is perhaps the most entertaining, bizarre, illogical, random, camp, brilliant film ever made. Yet the ‘Floor Show’ towards the end provides the film with an oddly quite moving and tragic ending…

8)      Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Arc – The opening of the arc

A very good reason why you should never open mysterious, ancient ark's supposedly claiming to hold the 'wrath of God' in them...

A very good reason why you should never open mysterious, ancient ark's supposedly claiming to hold the 'wrath of God' in them...

Ever since I was a child, these movies have scared me. Most notably Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom when the heart’s being taken out…

However, there’s nothing quite as memorable as the section where the arc is opened and the ‘wrath of God’ murders all of the Nazis and shreds there skin off until they’re just skeletons.

9) A Clockwork Orange – The opening scene

The bizarre opening shot in A Clockwork Orange

The bizarre opening shot in A Clockwork Orange

In my opinion it’s the most mesmirising opening to a movie…ever. We start off with a close-up of the raping-murdering sociapath: 15 year-old Alex DeLarge. We then pan back and back and back to reveal his surroundings. Simple. Bizarre. Surreal. Memorable. A great opening scene.

10) Boogie Nights – Closing scene

I've just stopped you from pervertedly grinning at Mark Wahlberg's prosthetic schlong...more tempted to watch the 90s classic?

I've just stopped you from pervertedly grinning at Mark Wahlberg's prosthetic schlong...more tempted to watch the 90s classic?

Boogie Nights is a 3-hour movie. Throughout the movie we are told that everyone has a talent, a skill, or in the case of Dirk Diggler: an asset. He’s a porn-star which would make a horse jealous. (The joy of cheesy sexual innuendos).

Either way, we find out that his schlong is 13 inches long…and at the end of the movie…we see it…in all it’s…glory(??)…

11)  Mulholland Drive – The sign…

There's something about this sign...

There's something about this sign...

There’s something oddly quite mystical about the sign of Mulholland Drive in David Lynch’s Mulholland Drive. Perhaps it is its grey nightmarish colour, or the shiny letters on it, or the music that accompanies the shot of it. Maybe it’s all of these.

This shot in the movie, to me is the movie’s most memorable shot, there’s something so spine-tingling about it. And I don’t know why. It’s a mystery that can’t be solved…almost like the film itself.

12)  2001: A Space Odyssey – The ‘stargate sequence’

This is what happens to your eyes when you go "Beyond the Infinite"...

This is what happens to your eyes when you go "Beyond the Infinite"...

A screenshot from the infamous 'stargate sequence'...

A screenshot from the infamous 'stargate sequence'...

The poster for Kubrick’s 2001 says “the ultimate trip”, and I can’t quite help but associate this and the ‘stargate sequence’ in the film, indeed, Kubrick takes us on the “ultimate trip” in this section. Colours, shapes, space, light, time, infinity, eternity swirl around in patterns and zoom past our eyes. It’s a ‘spectacle’ to say the least.

13)  Monty Python and the Holy Grail – The Knights who say “Ni!”

"We are the knights who say 'ni'!"

"We are the knights who say 'ni'!"

The most random joke in a  very random and very funny film.

14)  The Godfather – That awkward moment when you find a horse’s head in your bed

Awkward...

Awkward...

Perhaps the most iconic moment in cinema is when the Hollywood-hotshot finds the horse’s head in his bed as he wakes up.

15)  Fight Club – Let’s steal some soap

The irony of a film about consumerism selling merchandise...

The irony of a film about consumerism selling merchandise...

Perhaps one of the best bits from Fight Club is when Tyler and Jack go to steal some soap. Or to be more precise, fat to make soap…fat taken from people who’ve had liposuction that is.

Ahhh…I love the sharp humour in this film.

16)  Un Chien Andalou – Casually slicing an eye

Eye-slicing in surrealist classic 'Un Chien Andalou'...

Eye-slicing in surrealist classic 'Un Chien Andalou'...

Surrealist masterpiece which has unfortunately been brought down by one image: the slicing of an eyeball. Indeed, this image occurs in the first 5 minutes of the film, yet it’s downfall for it being associated with this just one image is perhaps also its success as well. After all, no masterpiece was never controversial.

17)  12 Angry Men – The whole film

Well I’ve listed lots of scenes…and I know I know this is cheating, but 12 Angry Men takes place in one whole scene, so I’m letting it in. It’s also a very good scene: well-directed, well-acted and a dazzlingly complex study of human nature and what happens when you put 12 blokes around the table and make them debate over whether a man should live or die.

18)  The Silence of the Lambs – The first encounter

The film builds up to this great encounter, even when Clarice is outside that infamous corridor she’s told that she can’t bring in any pens or metal objects. Indeed hopes do not fall, Anthony Hopkins gives a chilling performance which made him win an Oscar.

19)  Reservoir Dogs – Ear slicing

Ear-slicing in Quentin Tarantino's directorial debut 'Reservoir Dogs'

Ear-slicing in Quentin Tarantino's directorial debut 'Reservoir Dogs'

Quentin Tarantino is not just talented by managing to put the word ‘motherfucker’ at any point in one of his scripts, but by being able to direct violence exceptionally well. We see violence so often on the screen, and due to this, it hardly ever affects us. A most recent example would be The Hunger Games, where the violence/deaths have little or no effect. However, we see the opposite in Reservoir Dogs, it makes us react and wince in our chairs.

20)  Pulp Fiction – Overdosing

I would happily say this is the best sequence in Pulp Fiction. After Mia overdoses, Tarantino makes Travolta drive her straight to the dealer. Comedy is induced with the disturb in a dazzlingly original way. And we wince when the needle is plunged straight into the heart (have you seen how big the needle is?!). Either way, it could be argued that this is the best section in Pulp Fiction.

21)  Halloween – Opening shot

Classic 70s slasher film 'Halloween'

Classic 70s slasher film 'Halloween'

The opening shot of the classic slasher movie, Halloween, is arguably the best opening shot of a horror movie. Ever. We see young Michael Myers go into the house, grab a butchers knife, go up the stairs, put a mask on, and stab his sister…all from his own eyes. Impactful and disturbing, if it’s none of those two, it’s definitely memorable.

22)  Blue Velvet – Scissors…

Dennis Hopper's disturbing performance as the violent and sexually-perverted Frank Booth...

Dennis Hopper's disturbing performance as the violent and sexually-perverted Frank Booth...

Frank Booth is the hideous sexual pervert in David Lynch’s controversial 1986 classic Blue Velvet. Not only does he kidnap Dorothy’s husband, but he does more. He verbally abuses Dorothy, hits her, insults her, and sexually abuses her with a trusty pair of scissors. You may not like this film, but this scene is certainly unforgettable to say the least.

23)  Before Sunrise – CD Booth scene

Linklater’s Before Sunrise is all about its subtleties, and there’s nothing else as subtle as when we see our two ‘lovers’ enter the CD booth and look at each other and then look away…repeatedly…

24)  Dr Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb – Riding the bomb

Major Kong casually riding a nuclear bomb in Dr Strangelove...

Major Kong casually riding a nuclear bomb in Dr Strangelove...

The mother of all political satires ends in the best way imaginable (and we know it’s coming)…Major Kong riding a bomb down towards earth…ahhhh…the joys of originality.

25)  Trainspotting – There’s a baby on the wall

Now that's one terrifying baby...

Now that's one terrifying baby...

Never have baby’s been so terrifying…

Renton, heroine-addict is locked in his room and force to ‘quit junk’, he has various hallucinations…and my God, you won’t want to baby-sit after watching this movie.

26)  The Man With the Golden Gun – Face off

Best moment in a Bond film…ever.

27)  Citizen Kane – The ending…

Just found this on the net. Glad somebody else agrees with me to! Either way, the ending's bloody iconic

Just found this on the net. Glad somebody else agrees with me to! Either way, the ending's bloody iconic

Critics claim it to be the best film ever made year in year out, I on the other hand think it’s mediocre and so overrated it’s vomit-inducing.

Click on the link to find out what rosebud is…if you want to that is…

http://www.clipart.dk.co.uk/DKImages/christmas/image_christmas004.jpg

28)  Psycho – Shower scene

^^ A thorough explanation on why you should never use showers in a horror film

^^ A thorough explanation on why you should never use showers in a horror film

The most damous scene in a horror/thriller ever, and perhaps the scene Hitchcock is most well-known for. I don’t think I need to describe what happens, the image above is so iconic that it literally speaks for itself.

29)  One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest – Partayyyy

Wheelchairs…part-poppers…alcohol…laughter…and general fun! The party scene in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest isn’t just funny but a satirical bite at totalitarianism and why all humans deserve to be free, to have fun and not be opressed by the ruling masses.

30)  The Green Mile – Cooking time…

There are lots of ‘cooking scenes’ in this film, and surprise, surprise they all happen on an electric chair. Lovely!

The Cabin in the Woods (2012)

4 STARS

General Information:

The information below is taken from the following link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1259521/

Director:

Drew Goddard

Writors:

Joss Whedon; Drew Goddard

Stars:

Kristen Connolly; Chris Hemsworth; Anna Hutchison

Plot:

Five teenagers go to a cabin in the woods which is littered with CCTV camera for the sake of a reality TV programme. As the day progresses, flesh-loving zombies begin to slaughter them one by one…

Review:

The Cabin in the Woods

The Cabin in the Woods

The Cabin in the Woods is an attack on Hollywood. It’s a hammer smashing into the endless clichés of horror films until they fracture and turn into smithereens and dust. It’s a cup of acid being thrown onto conventional fright-films until they sizzle and burn so much that we see behind their good-looking stars, six-packs, tits and gore to reveal their pathetic, formulaic, predictable narrative.

If anything, it’s bloody refreshing.

The movie is seeping with irony from the start, even the opening titles are ironic. The title suddenly slams on screen in bold red letters, covering the width and length of the screen; the names of the characters have blood dripping on them. Everything.

The first shot of Jules (Anna Hutchinson), the sexy blonde, is of her bum. Then we have the hunky jock, Curt (Chris Hemsworth) – oh, and what’s that he’s carrying in his hands? It’s a rugby ball! All of this could be considered general cliché and lazy writing if it wasn’t for the cheesy rock/pop music strumming in the background, which has the tone of a teenager laughing and mocking something it loves in a ‘so bad it’s good way’. To further add to the irony is the fact that the intentionally-cliche-slut, Jules, has recently dyed her hair blonde (as if in some postmodern ironic way, she’s just done it because she’s in a horror movie…which, she is. Gasp.). Oh, and not to forget the fact that Curt has turned into a “dumb jock” when before he was a sociology student. Any other stock-characters. Well, we have the funny weed-smoker (who has a bong which can also be used as a coffee container), a virgin (ish), and the geek.

The stock-characters in Cabin in the Woods

The stock-characters in Cabin in the Woods

Of course, all of this could just be considered a bad copy-cat version of Scream if it wasn’t for the fact that the actual cabin in the woods is littered with CCTV cameras for a reality TV programme. Instantly the self-awareness of the film is amped up to a new level, as we become even more aware that this is some farcical spoof. Of course, the reality TV programme is merely a vehicle to push forward the jokes and the comedy, but it all works. There’s an excellent couple of scenes where the people working for the TV programme all bet on what the unfortunate victims will be slaughtered to death by, they take their bets on whether the stock-characters will be killed by: werewolves, ghosts, vampires, snakes, zombies, and all other forms of horror-film monsters. Oh, and of course, there’s a brilliant gag, where two of the workers there watch Curt and Jules about to have sex (bearing in mind before hand they had to up the temperature levels, the light levels and the pheromone levels, just to get the two 20-somethings to even thinking about a good pounding session). This film has a good sense of comic timing as well, not to mention a brilliantly sharp if not slightly rough-around-the-edges script.

If I were to say a sentence about why this film is such an excellent spoof, I’d have to say this: it understands the horror genre. Perhaps a must-know for a genre-spoof, but after consuming endless badly-written spoofs, it just comes across that they think if we merge the slasher genre with Kevin-Smith-esque nob-gags, it somehow makes a good satire, let alone a good parody. As I’ve already said, Cabin in the Woods knows the genre it’s mocking. It knows what stock-characters are like. It knows horror conventions. it knows the narrative for a conventional horror film. It knows how horror-characters should die. It knows which characters should live or die. It knows which characters should die first. It knows which characters should die last. It even knows that if you pick up a dirty old book and read Latin in it, the dead will no longer sleep, and that if a creepy old man insults you/scares you on the way to your destination, you will die.

There’s always that point in a review where the reviewer directly or indirectly says: I can’t reveal any more because I don’t want to give the ending away. Usually, I don’t particularly care as I look at the film as a whole, but it’s the ending of this film that makes it conceptually spectacular (not to mention visually spectacular). The ending kicks this film up from 3 stars to a 4, it makes the film more satirical, more intelligent, more thrilling, more entertaining. If anything more memorable.

The tagline of the movie is “You think you know the story. Think again.” Never has a tagline been so true.

Verdict:

It knows that if Hollywood made an unconventional horror film, the world might just end in a terrifying apocalypse. It’s a film that left me slightly gob-smacked which takes a lot as I have been called a ‘film snob’ on multiple occassions.

That awkward moment when you see your girlfriend make out with a stuffed wolf for a dare...

That awkward moment when you see your girlfriend make out with a stuffed wolf for a dare...

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

0.5 STARS

General Information:

Information below is taken from the following link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1467304/

18  92 min  –  Drama | Horror | Thriller  –   20 August 2010 (Ireland)

Director

Tom Six

Writers

Tom Six

Stars 

Dieter Laser; Ashley C. Williams ; Ashlynn Yennie

Plot:

Mad scientist, Dr Heiter (Dieter Laser) captures two girls on a tour across Europe to form his life-long fantasy: conjoining three people together, mouth to anus, to form “The Human Centipede”.

Review:

Before I start, I’d like to just say the history of how this movie came about. Tom Six jokingly said to a mate that paedophiles should be punished by having their mouths sowed to truck drivers’ anuses. That’s it. And if there’s more, I honestly don’t care, and don’t want to know.

Oscar Wilde once said that “bad art is the result of good intentions”. Perhaps this film was made with good intentions, but then again, could you call this film a work of art?

This movie is a lot of things. Being a “good movie” is unfortunately for our, dear director, Tom Six, not one of them. It’s a sick movie. But then again, aren’t all horror movies sick? There’s a theory called ‘pleasure for displeasure’. It explains why we watch horror films. We watch them because we like being frightened. We watch them because we like that thrill of adrenaline. We watch them because we like being left shaking by the end. We like being displeasured. Yet, The Human Centipede isn’t ‘pleasure for displeasure’. It’s ‘displeasure for displeasure’. If I had to personify this movie, it would be that weird eight-year old kid who always picks his nose in class and in the playground runs around chasing girls with dog-crap dripping off the end of a stick that he found on the ground.

A friend once told me that "the poster was  the only good thing about this movie"...he was right

A friend once told me that "the poster was the only good thing about this movie"...he was right

A good horror movie knows how to hit us, knows what fears to strike. A good horror movie prods and attacks are basic fears with visceral intensity. The fear of being alone. The fear of being followed. The fear of death. The fear of losing a loved one. The fear of the supernatural. Even the worst slasher movie attempts to scare us with these, The Human Centipede does not. Yes, people are followed, and people die – but the movie itself doesn’t attempt to scare us via these mere plot devices (and believe me, that’s all they actually are). It attempts to scare us with its concept: close-ups on the faces of the girls attached to each other’s close encounters of the pelvic kind, mucus oozing from one of the girls’ cheeks due to an infection, teeth being taken off, kneecaps cut open, the anus cut open, the section where the mad Dr Heiter demands that the ‘human centipede’ picks up a newspaper like a dog and gives it to him, the section where Katsuro – who’s at the front – has to ‘go to the toilet’, thereby force feeding the person in the middle with well…you know what I’m talking about.

Dr. Heiter has fun with his 'pet' by treating it like a dog...

Dr. Heiter has fun with his 'pet' by treating it like a dog...

The movie attempts to scare us with its concept rather than scaring us by attacking our fears. At the beginning of this review I compared this film to an eight-year old chasing girls with dog-crap on a stick. Shoving vile stuff in the viewer’s faces isn’t scary, it’s not. At first, it’s disgusting, and then…it’s boring.

Of course, there will be some horror-fans who like this movie, and find its concept interesting, different, and original compared to most horror films. Perhaps there’s a subtext to this film. Is Dr. Heiter a symbol of Josef Mengele, the infamous Nazi? Either way, I frankly don’t care.

There are other things which made me loathe this movie. Let’s look at the set-up for example. Two girls are in a car, they’re trying to get to a party which they’ve been invited to be some “cute German waiter”. But, oh dear! The tyre’s flattened! Seconds later, a car drives towards them until they’re side by side, revealing a perverted German man who mistakes them for being porn-stars. He offers to have sex with them, they scream and go ‘ewww’ and tell him to go away, which thankfully he does. From the start, the movie’s shoving weird sexual fetishes in our faces. But things get worse. Sooner or later the girls give up and walk out of the car and into the woods. One of them breaks down crying, and there’s the usual “hello!…help us” dialogue. Fortunately (or rather, unfortunately) one of them sees a light to a house. They knock on the door, and what man should luckily be behind their but the good old trusty Dr Heiter! Hooray! Effectively, all of that was a plot-device to lead to Tom Six’s weird threesome-like-you’ve-never-seen-it-before-extravaganza. All of that was there simply so he could show the world his concept.

Oh well, the cinematography was kinda nice.

Unfortunately I couldn't find any examples of nice cinematography on the internet for this film as most of them involve shots of the centipede itself (God knows why?...). Either way, observe how our director Tom Six has used a low-angle shot and 'hot windows' to accentuate the evil presence of the villain...

Unfortunately I couldn't find any examples of nice cinematography on the internet for this film as most of them involve shots of the centipede itself (God knows why?...). Either way, observe how our director Tom Six has used a low-angle shot and 'hot windows' to accentuate the evil presence of the villain...

Verdict:

A movie that didn’t frighten, disturb or shock me. But rather made me want to either fall asleep or turn off the television. Go watch a David Cronenberg movie instead.

50 Ways to Survive a Horror Movie

1) Always be nice to the shy, unpopular girl at school

She’ll probably take revenge on all of her bullies until they face a lovely gory death. She may have supernatural powers. She may be tired of being bullied and starts taking revenge on her bullies with the aid of her trusty butchers knife.

2) If you’re gonna get killed…

If you’re gonna get killed and you know that there’s no way out, ensure that you’re in a low-budget, cheapo gore-fest, because that way you’ll come back in the sequel!

3) Zombie target

When battling zombies in a zombie apocalypse, ensure that you always hit the zombie in the head/brain area. That way, you know that the undead are…dead.

4) Be utterly boring

No drugs. No sex. No alcohol. No parties. Whatever you do, DON’T be the popular kid at school.

5) Don’t have a six-pack

You’re the really fit jock at school which everyone drools all over because of how incredibly hench he is. Look at those pecs! Those biceps! That six-pack…oh, look, he’s been stabbed repeatedly to death by a serial killer and his body has now been completely dismembered.

Ensure that you’re the skinny weakling with glasses.

Don't be this hot guy, no matter how much you want to be him.

Don't be this hot guy, no matter how much you want to be him.

6) Don’t have blonde hair and big tits

Similar to the one above. You’re probably going out with him. The borderline perverted psycho will kill you. Kill you.

It also helps if you’re not a cheerleader.

Whatever you do, don't be a hot, blonde, big-chested cheerleader

Whatever you do, don't be a hot, blonde, big-chested cheerleader

7) Never watch a horror movie in a horror movie

Basic error. If you do this, you will die.

8) Never run to the top floor

Your only way out will be to jump out of the building, and you’ll have two options of death:

1 – Suicide

2 – Get stabbed by the serial killer/ripped apart by zombies/or just generally murdered in any perverted, disgusting, inhuman way

9) Always check the back seat of the car

There’ll probably be something lurking in the back which will lead to your fate.

Watch the original (John Carpenter) Halloween for further details.

10) Check your car

Even before entering the spooky town or whatever place your friends and potentially you could be murdered in, it is advisable to check that your car batteries and engine are working and are in top quality condition. After all, it would be at some inconvenience when trying to escape the spooky town and your car won’t start.

11) Observe lights

If they flash on and off, you’re fucked.

12) Don’t go near wardrobes

Two things will either happen.

1 – Murderous thing that will murder you (zombie, killer…etc…) will come out of it and make you experience a fat worse than a fate worse than death.

2 – Nothings in the wardrobe! Phew!….what’s this? there’s a stab wound in my chest…oh no!

Avoid at all cost. It is not a gateway to Narnia.

Avoid at all cost. It is not a gateway to Narnia.

13) The unlucky number

Don’t go out – let alone go to a summer camp – on Friday 13th.

14) Avoid deserted towns

It’s deserted for a reason…

15) Never go into an old motel

Norman Bates will murder you when you shower!

It's no Premier Inn...

It's no Premier Inn...

16) Don’t have a penis

The last survivor of most horror movies is almost always a woman. Just watch the classics: Halloween, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Dawn of the Dead…etc…

Your penis is your enemy.

Be a girl instead...

Be a girl instead...

17) Stay away from paintball guns

It’s a crap weapon and most likely will get you killed.

18) Some nights are best left…

Don’t go out on Friday 13th, Halloween or prom night. In fact, don’t even stay in your house. Go to a hotel…actually, don’t go to a hotel (number 15 advises otherwise)…just…oh I don’t know…

19) Listen to the insane old woman

If she tells you that trouble is coming and evil is around, she’s correct and don’t you dare ignore her!

20) Never pick up a hitchhiker

He/she will either:

a) Murder you

b) Be murdered with you

21) When driving…

When driving don’t take the back roads/short cuts/roads in the country…go on the busy roads instead. The motorway is most advisable (unless if you’re in a Final Destination film and you see a huge vehicle carrying trees…obviously).

22) Rollercoasters…

Steer clear from these. And all fair grounds, theme parks and anything deemed as being ‘fun’. Also, clowns will kill you, stay away from them.

23) Baby zombies

Aren’t they adorable? Nawww…look at them, with their tiny hands and feet and….cuttteee!

NO! Murder them. Treat them like any other zombie.

Kill the murderous rascal at all cost

Kill the murderous rascal at all cost

24) Steer clear from bars, pubs

Any area where alcohol can be consumed you must steer clear from. You don’t want to be drunk. Plus, if there are zombies outside, pubs are most definitely a no-go-zone.

25) His best friend was his mother…

Avoid anyone who was a loner and who looks after his mother who is aged around 25-50.

26) Top secret…

If by some curious chance, a top secret, obscure military tanker filled with plutonium or any dangerous chemical is left on your doorstep. Return it.

 

27) If you become a zombie…

Just eat all the human flesh you can, and learn to love it. Especially intestines and brains – I hear they’re kinda tasty.

28) Email me

If you see Brad Pitt dressed as a vampire, please email me asap.

29) Seems obvious

Having a vampire as a dinner guest is never a good idea. Seems obvious, but no matter how charming he is, don’t let him in.

30) If the power goes off

If the power goes off, don’t try to fix it by going to the generator or control box. You may get back-stabbed, quite literally.

31) Avoid friends

If your friends leave you for more than 10 minutes, don’t try to look for them, for you will end up like them…

32) A bad boyfriend…

A guy that locks himself in a cage at night isn’t a good boyfriend. Yeah he may be kinda cute and have nice pecs n abs, not to mention the fact that he’s incredibly romantic, but for godsake, ditch him! He’s a werewolf!

33) Full moon

Don’t go out on a full moon…

34) Edward vs Jacob

Don’t get involved in century old grudges between vampires and werewolves. Just don’t.

Let alone form a stupid love-triangle in a Twilight film.

35) Don’t check if he/she’s dead

After killing monster/zombie/serial killer don’t check if they’re dead, because…they’re probably not.

36) Kill ’em properly!

To ensure that you don’t have to carry out nom.35, kill your monster/zombie/killer properly. Shoot them in the face a few times, rip of their arm, bash them repeatedly around the face with a sledge-hammer. Be inventive. Just ensure that you’ve killed them…just don’t actually check if they’re dead though.

37) AVOID ALL BATHROOMS!

Perhaps the most important rule to obey when in a horror film, ever. Bathrooms = danger. Most classic horror film sequences occur in  bathrooms. The most famous being Psycho and The Shining.

38) Don’t hide in wardrobe

Just don’t.

39) Avoid the following places:

Attics, basements, cemeteries, barns, garages. You will be eaten and/or stabbed.

40) Screaming  blonde girls

If by chance you are stuck with the stock character of the terrified sexy blonde girl. If she screams, kill her immediately, she is a distraction and could get you killed. And when you’ve killed her, don’t feel guilty, she would have died anyway.

See nom.6 for further details.

41) Hearing strange sounds?

If you hear a strange/weird sound. It’s not just wind or “the cat”.

42) Also avoid:

– Swimming pools

– Beaches

Anywhere with water basically. To further add to that, don’t go skinny dipping, and don’t take any of your clothes off to show your girlfriend how incredibly hench you are…because you’ll then be showing her how incredibly dead you are.

43) Don’t split up

If you’re in a group, don’t split up into groups, you’re just making it easier for all of you to die.

44) Avoid latin texts…

Books in ancient latin texts, or scrolls in ancient text should never be read aloud. Not even for a joke.

45) Other forms of literature to avoid

If you find a book bound with human flesh, and has words written in blood, drop it immediately and whatever you do, don’t read it.

46) Warning signs

If lights switch on and off, microwaves, fridges, blenders, coffee machines, or any electrical appliance switch on and off or are becoming temperamental, it’s happening for a reason. Escape the town you’re in immediately, or die.

47) Dogs

If your dog starts to bark angrily at a friend/family member, avoid that person.

48) People with robes, hoods, or dressed all in black aren’t trying to look hip or fashionable

Avoid them.

49) Steer clear of child’s toys

Especially dolls and musical boxes.

50) Head-twisting and projectile-vomitting

If your friend/family member is doing the above, for godsake…RUN!

Titanic (1997) – 3D RE-RELEASE

4 STARS

General Information:

Information below is taken from the following link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120338/
12  194 min  –  Adventure | Drama | History  –   23 January 1998 (UK)

Director

James Cameron

Writer

James Cameron

Stars

Leonardo DiCaprio; Kate Winslet; Billy Zane

Plot

The ‘unsinkable’ ship The Titanic hits an iceberg. All of the crew members and passengers then fight for their lives. But will Jack and Rose survive and be together?

Review

As I queued to watch the 3D re-release of Titanic – having paid more for food than for my ticket – there were around 20 if not more teenage girls singing Celine Dion, and a few more shouting out the famous line “I’m the King of the World”. Their boyfriends had been dragged along, and their faces were glum and seemed to telepathically scream into my face  “why the bloody hell did I agree to come to this?” 

They probably just wanted to see Cabin in the Woods.

Titanic has been labelled as a romantic film which produces tears in all of the audience’s eyes by the end. A great shame. The boyfriends imagined they were going to see such a thing, but by the end, I overheard one of them say “Actually that was quite good, it was more than just a love-film…” This stranger who I never spoke to had an excellent point. Titanic is a merge of genres and this is a reason why it’s very good.

It’s a comedy. A social-satire on the upper-classes. A thriller. A disaster movie. A historical-epic. And of course, a tragedy.

The first half is a lot of fun. It’s joyous, hilarious and heart-warming. We see Rose (Kate Winslet) progressively fall in love with Jack (Leonardo DiCaprio). For her, it’s almost like taking revenge, like revolting against the stiff-upper-lipped “let’s-make-a-jolly-good-impression” part of society that she belongs to. Her fiance, Cal Hockley (Billy Zane) is a snob to say the least. He constantly mocks Jack, and when Jack saves her from jumping off the boat (due to her having enough of the society that she’s part of), Jack is invited to dinner, to which Cal says under his breath in a jovial public-schoolboy-esque way “This should be interesting.” The majority of Titanic is actually more fun than tragic. There’s a humorous irish-dancing sequence, and endless scenes where we laugh at the absolute snobbery of the rich. Oh, and Jack and Rose have such passionate sex in a car that the windows steam up. Quite literally a ‘hot’ session.

Indeed, Titanic is a film which makes us like lower-class life more than upper-class life, we laugh at the rich people and root for the poor. subtly satirical of class values.

Of course, all of this fun, comedy and romance is simply what Alfred Hitchcock would call “playing the audience like a piano”. We know what happens. The boat will hit an iceberg. Water will flood the boat: pouring, gushing and sliding up from the lower decks and into the upper decks. There will be too much weight, and the ship will then crack in half like a child splitting a mars bar in two.

The last 90 minutes of the movie is an epic, spectacular thrill-ride. Water gushes at an incredibly fast rate down tight corridors, with crew-members running away from it. I was reminded of the boulder-chase sequence in Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Arc. There are sequences where we pan out and see the entire ship and see the amount of chaos that is occuring: all the people look like ants, and we see some running for their lives, some tightly packed together attempting to escape their fate, and some plunging to their deaths as they accidentally fall off.

There are some scenes in this last section of the film which may unsettle audience members despite the film’s 12 certificate. “Women and children only!” is constantly screamed out. Men have to stay on the boats whilst they watch women and children escape via the life-boats to their safety. Husbands and wives are split up, mothers and sons are split up, and we pan dramatically past sobbing, crying faces and people experiencing feelings of utter desperation.

And if a man attempts to get on one of the life-boats, he is barged back with force via the aid of a boat oar, or a bullet plunging into his heart.

Unfortunately, James Cameron goes overboard. These thrilling, powerful, moving, shocking scenes examining human nature and the battle for survival quickly descend into less intense moments, due to the films sheer length. Perhaps the film is called ‘Titanic’ not because of how big the boat is but because how long the film is. It’s around 3 hours and 15 minutes. The film drags on endlessly. Scenes of panicking and screaming are closely followed by more scenes of panicking and screaming…which are then followed on by more scenes of…panicking and screaming.

If anything, Titanic should by 2 and half hours and nowhere near 3.

Then we come to the 3D which this (originally 2D) film was retrofitted for. I am no big fan of 3D, I usually pick the 2D option because: a) It’s cheaper  b) 3D isn’t famous for the quality of its brightness. However, it has been well-fitted into 3D, and the film feels somehow enhanced. Nothing really flies into our faces like with most 3D films, it’s more a case of detail and texture which is enhanced by the 3D. We feel closer to the ship, but not immersed in the world of Titanic. It’s been said that 3D reduces brightness levels by 20%. So why has James Cameron released it in 3D? Why does any director release a film in 3D? Cash. Avatar is the highest grossing film of all time, and it is directed by James Cameron, spot a pattern?

Overall, Titanic 3D keeps afloat throughout the first section and then sinks slowly due to its length and it’s 3D, it has only been released in 3D and not 2D, just so that James can make more cash. Con?

Verdict:

Thrilling, funny, powerful, visually stimulating, Titanic is a film of unforgettable force which unfortunately sinks towards its ever-so-slightly long and boring end.