5 Things They Didn’t Want to Tell You…(7)

All trivia is from:

www.imdb.com

1) Hard Candy (2008)

Because Ellen Page shaved her head for her previous film role, during the audition she was mistaken for a boy. The effect was so off-putting she had to put on a wig, where she then gave a phenomenal reading.

Hard Candy (2008)

2) Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1978)

The giant ear muffs that the giant tomato is wearing at the end was actually two big bright green toilet seat covers.   

Classic cult movie with a hillariously dumb quote: "Aaaargh!"

3) The Room (2003)

After a very limited theatrical run, the film has become popular as a “midnight movie,” with a cult following. Audience members dress up as the characters, throw plastic spoons at the screen, and toss footballs to each other. Tommy Wiseau attends many screenings, and holds Q&A sessions with the audience.

The Room...is this the worst movie ever made?...

4) Avengers Assemble (2012)

Chris Evans once sent a text message to Clark Gregg simply saying “Assemble”, which is the tagline for the movie. Gregg stated that this was his favorite text message ever sent to him.

Not that Chris Evans...

5) 8 1/2 (1963)

Federico Fellini attached a note to himself below the camera’s eyepiece which read, “Remember, this is a comedy.”

Classic Fellini

 

Let’s Censor Film Censorship

The rating system is an absolute joke

I’ve never been a fan of film censorship, I completely disagree with the concept of censoring the arts or stopping an entire group of people watching a film because they’re ‘not old enough’. It’s just patronising, and let’s be honest: books, music, pamphlets, pictures, paintings don’t have an age-rating. So why do films?

Either way, above is an example of the ludicrous nature of film censorship. Surely films like Bully should have a universal certificate to ensure that everyone sees the damaging effects of bullying?

Rant over.

My 30 Greatest Movie Moments…

Movies can manipulate us in ways that we never thought possible. Perhaps The Shining disturbed you so much that every time you see a hallway, a naked woman in a bath or identical twins, you immediately put your hands over your mouth and sob.

Yet, it could be argued, that what we remember most from a movie, isn’t necessarily how we felt whilst watching it, but what actually happened – or to be more precise: what scene had the most impact on us.

Below, I have listed my 30 of the most memorable moments in cinema, they have been listed there because they are personal to me and because they are instantly recognisable.

1)      The Deer Hunter – The Russian Roulette Scenes

Russian Roulette in The Deer Hunter

The Deer Hunter is a disturbingly powerful movie, where its effect on the audience effectively clings on to the few scenes where the characters play Russian Roulette either because they’re being forced to, or…for fun. There’s an old movie cliche about ‘being at the edge of your seat’, and its never been so true with this film, the feeling of not knowing what will happen when the trigger is pulled is like no other.

2)      When Harry Met Sally – Fake Orgasm in a restaurant

Sally pulls a funny orgasm face...

When Harry Met Sally is perhaps the best romantic-comedy ever made. It is my belief that the best scene in the movie is when Harry and Sally discuss why women fake orgasm during sex. Harry claims that he’s never had a girl ‘fake it’, because he thinks that he’ll know…Sally leaves him speechless by ‘faking it’ in the middle of a busy restaurant, making the loudest moans and groans possible. Classic.

3)      The Shining – “Heereee’s Johny!

"Hereeee's Johneeeee!"

The most iconic scene in a horror film ever, indeed perhaps the most quotable line from a Kubrick film next to Nicole Kidman’s final word in Eyes Wide Shut.

4)      The Texas Chainsaw Massacre – Dinner time!

Screenshot from one of my favourite horror films

That awkward moment when you wake up from being unconscious strapped to a chair in front of a family of cannibals…

5)      The Human Centipede – The credit sequence

The best part about Tom Six’s ‘masterpiece’ is when it ends. Notice the way in which the credits roll up in such a petulant manner…there’s clearly symbolism there…

6)      The Shawshank Redemption – The ending

I’m not ruining it.

7)      The Rocky Horror Picture Show – The Floor Show

The 'Floor Show' in The Rocky Horror Picture Show...

The Rocky Horror Picture Show is perhaps the most entertaining, bizarre, illogical, random, camp, brilliant film ever made. Yet the ‘Floor Show’ towards the end provides the film with an oddly quite moving and tragic ending…

8)      Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Arc – The opening of the arc

A very good reason why you should never open mysterious, ancient ark's supposedly claiming to hold the 'wrath of God' in them...

Ever since I was a child, these movies have scared me. Most notably Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom when the heart’s being taken out…

However, there’s nothing quite as memorable as the section where the arc is opened and the ‘wrath of God’ murders all of the Nazis and shreds there skin off until they’re just skeletons.

9) A Clockwork Orange – The opening scene

The bizarre opening shot in A Clockwork Orange

In my opinion it’s the most mesmirising opening to a movie…ever. We start off with a close-up of the raping-murdering sociapath: 15 year-old Alex DeLarge. We then pan back and back and back to reveal his surroundings. Simple. Bizarre. Surreal. Memorable. A great opening scene.

10) Boogie Nights – Closing scene

I've just stopped you from pervertedly grinning at Mark Wahlberg's prosthetic schlong...more tempted to watch the 90s classic?

Boogie Nights is a 3-hour movie. Throughout the movie we are told that everyone has a talent, a skill, or in the case of Dirk Diggler: an asset. He’s a porn-star which would make a horse jealous. (The joy of cheesy sexual innuendos).

Either way, we find out that his schlong is 13 inches long…and at the end of the movie…we see it…in all it’s…glory(??)…

11)  Mulholland Drive – The sign…

There's something about this sign...

There’s something oddly quite mystical about the sign of Mulholland Drive in David Lynch’s Mulholland Drive. Perhaps it is its grey nightmarish colour, or the shiny letters on it, or the music that accompanies the shot of it. Maybe it’s all of these.

This shot in the movie, to me is the movie’s most memorable shot, there’s something so spine-tingling about it. And I don’t know why. It’s a mystery that can’t be solved…almost like the film itself.

12)  2001: A Space Odyssey – The ‘stargate sequence’

This is what happens to your eyes when you go "Beyond the Infinite"...

A screenshot from the infamous 'stargate sequence'...

The poster for Kubrick’s 2001 says “the ultimate trip”, and I can’t quite help but associate this and the ‘stargate sequence’ in the film, indeed, Kubrick takes us on the “ultimate trip” in this section. Colours, shapes, space, light, time, infinity, eternity swirl around in patterns and zoom past our eyes. It’s a ‘spectacle’ to say the least.

13)  Monty Python and the Holy Grail – The Knights who say “Ni!”

"We are the knights who say 'ni'!"

The most random joke in a  very random and very funny film.

14)  The Godfather – That awkward moment when you find a horse’s head in your bed

Awkward...

Perhaps the most iconic moment in cinema is when the Hollywood-hotshot finds the horse’s head in his bed as he wakes up.

15)  Fight Club – Let’s steal some soap

The irony of a film about consumerism selling merchandise...

Perhaps one of the best bits from Fight Club is when Tyler and Jack go to steal some soap. Or to be more precise, fat to make soap…fat taken from people who’ve had liposuction that is.

Ahhh…I love the sharp humour in this film.

16)  Un Chien Andalou – Casually slicing an eye

Eye-slicing in surrealist classic 'Un Chien Andalou'...

Surrealist masterpiece which has unfortunately been brought down by one image: the slicing of an eyeball. Indeed, this image occurs in the first 5 minutes of the film, yet it’s downfall for it being associated with this just one image is perhaps also its success as well. After all, no masterpiece was never controversial.

17)  12 Angry Men – The whole film

Well I’ve listed lots of scenes…and I know I know this is cheating, but 12 Angry Men takes place in one whole scene, so I’m letting it in. It’s also a very good scene: well-directed, well-acted and a dazzlingly complex study of human nature and what happens when you put 12 blokes around the table and make them debate over whether a man should live or die.

18)  The Silence of the Lambs – The first encounter

The film builds up to this great encounter, even when Clarice is outside that infamous corridor she’s told that she can’t bring in any pens or metal objects. Indeed hopes do not fall, Anthony Hopkins gives a chilling performance which made him win an Oscar.

19)  Reservoir Dogs – Ear slicing

Ear-slicing in Quentin Tarantino's directorial debut 'Reservoir Dogs'

Quentin Tarantino is not just talented by managing to put the word ‘motherfucker’ at any point in one of his scripts, but by being able to direct violence exceptionally well. We see violence so often on the screen, and due to this, it hardly ever affects us. A most recent example would be The Hunger Games, where the violence/deaths have little or no effect. However, we see the opposite in Reservoir Dogs, it makes us react and wince in our chairs.

20)  Pulp Fiction – Overdosing

I would happily say this is the best sequence in Pulp Fiction. After Mia overdoses, Tarantino makes Travolta drive her straight to the dealer. Comedy is induced with the disturb in a dazzlingly original way. And we wince when the needle is plunged straight into the heart (have you seen how big the needle is?!). Either way, it could be argued that this is the best section in Pulp Fiction.

21)  Halloween – Opening shot

Classic 70s slasher film 'Halloween'

The opening shot of the classic slasher movie, Halloween, is arguably the best opening shot of a horror movie. Ever. We see young Michael Myers go into the house, grab a butchers knife, go up the stairs, put a mask on, and stab his sister…all from his own eyes. Impactful and disturbing, if it’s none of those two, it’s definitely memorable.

22)  Blue Velvet – Scissors…

Dennis Hopper's disturbing performance as the violent and sexually-perverted Frank Booth...

Frank Booth is the hideous sexual pervert in David Lynch’s controversial 1986 classic Blue Velvet. Not only does he kidnap Dorothy’s husband, but he does more. He verbally abuses Dorothy, hits her, insults her, and sexually abuses her with a trusty pair of scissors. You may not like this film, but this scene is certainly unforgettable to say the least.

23)  Before Sunrise – CD Booth scene

Linklater’s Before Sunrise is all about its subtleties, and there’s nothing else as subtle as when we see our two ‘lovers’ enter the CD booth and look at each other and then look away…repeatedly…

24)  Dr Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb – Riding the bomb

Major Kong casually riding a nuclear bomb in Dr Strangelove...

The mother of all political satires ends in the best way imaginable (and we know it’s coming)…Major Kong riding a bomb down towards earth…ahhhh…the joys of originality.

25)  Trainspotting – There’s a baby on the wall

Now that's one terrifying baby...

Never have baby’s been so terrifying…

Renton, heroine-addict is locked in his room and force to ‘quit junk’, he has various hallucinations…and my God, you won’t want to baby-sit after watching this movie.

26)  The Man With the Golden Gun – Face off

Best moment in a Bond film…ever.

27)  Citizen Kane – The ending…

Just found this on the net. Glad somebody else agrees with me to! Either way, the ending's bloody iconic

Critics claim it to be the best film ever made year in year out, I on the other hand think it’s mediocre and so overrated it’s vomit-inducing.

Click on the link to find out what rosebud is…if you want to that is…

http://www.clipart.dk.co.uk/DKImages/christmas/image_christmas004.jpg

28)  Psycho – Shower scene

^^ A thorough explanation on why you should never use showers in a horror film

The most damous scene in a horror/thriller ever, and perhaps the scene Hitchcock is most well-known for. I don’t think I need to describe what happens, the image above is so iconic that it literally speaks for itself.

29)  One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest – Partayyyy

Wheelchairs…part-poppers…alcohol…laughter…and general fun! The party scene in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest isn’t just funny but a satirical bite at totalitarianism and why all humans deserve to be free, to have fun and not be opressed by the ruling masses.

30)  The Green Mile – Cooking time…

There are lots of ‘cooking scenes’ in this film, and surprise, surprise they all happen on an electric chair. Lovely!

The Cabin in the Woods (2012)

4 STARS

General Information:

The information below is taken from the following link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1259521/

Director:

Drew Goddard

Writors:

Joss Whedon; Drew Goddard

Stars:

Kristen Connolly; Chris Hemsworth; Anna Hutchison

Plot:

Five teenagers go to a cabin in the woods which is littered with CCTV camera for the sake of a reality TV programme. As the day progresses, flesh-loving zombies begin to slaughter them one by one…

Review:

The Cabin in the Woods

The Cabin in the Woods is an attack on Hollywood. It’s a hammer smashing into the endless clichés of horror films until they fracture and turn into smithereens and dust. It’s a cup of acid being thrown onto conventional fright-films until they sizzle and burn so much that we see behind their good-looking stars, six-packs, tits and gore to reveal their pathetic, formulaic, predictable narrative.

If anything, it’s bloody refreshing.

The movie is seeping with irony from the start, even the opening titles are ironic. The title suddenly slams on screen in bold red letters, covering the width and length of the screen; the names of the characters have blood dripping on them. Everything.

The first shot of Jules (Anna Hutchinson), the sexy blonde, is of her bum. Then we have the hunky jock, Curt (Chris Hemsworth) – oh, and what’s that he’s carrying in his hands? It’s a rugby ball! All of this could be considered general cliché and lazy writing if it wasn’t for the cheesy rock/pop music strumming in the background, which has the tone of a teenager laughing and mocking something it loves in a ‘so bad it’s good way’. To further add to the irony is the fact that the intentionally-cliche-slut, Jules, has recently dyed her hair blonde (as if in some postmodern ironic way, she’s just done it because she’s in a horror movie…which, she is. Gasp.). Oh, and not to forget the fact that Curt has turned into a “dumb jock” when before he was a sociology student. Any other stock-characters. Well, we have the funny weed-smoker (who has a bong which can also be used as a coffee container), a virgin (ish), and the geek.

The stock-characters in Cabin in the Woods

Of course, all of this could just be considered a bad copy-cat version of Scream if it wasn’t for the fact that the actual cabin in the woods is littered with CCTV cameras for a reality TV programme. Instantly the self-awareness of the film is amped up to a new level, as we become even more aware that this is some farcical spoof. Of course, the reality TV programme is merely a vehicle to push forward the jokes and the comedy, but it all works. There’s an excellent couple of scenes where the people working for the TV programme all bet on what the unfortunate victims will be slaughtered to death by, they take their bets on whether the stock-characters will be killed by: werewolves, ghosts, vampires, snakes, zombies, and all other forms of horror-film monsters. Oh, and of course, there’s a brilliant gag, where two of the workers there watch Curt and Jules about to have sex (bearing in mind before hand they had to up the temperature levels, the light levels and the pheromone levels, just to get the two 20-somethings to even thinking about a good pounding session). This film has a good sense of comic timing as well, not to mention a brilliantly sharp if not slightly rough-around-the-edges script.

If I were to say a sentence about why this film is such an excellent spoof, I’d have to say this: it understands the horror genre. Perhaps a must-know for a genre-spoof, but after consuming endless badly-written spoofs, it just comes across that they think if we merge the slasher genre with Kevin-Smith-esque nob-gags, it somehow makes a good satire, let alone a good parody. As I’ve already said, Cabin in the Woods knows the genre it’s mocking. It knows what stock-characters are like. It knows horror conventions. it knows the narrative for a conventional horror film. It knows how horror-characters should die. It knows which characters should live or die. It knows which characters should die first. It knows which characters should die last. It even knows that if you pick up a dirty old book and read Latin in it, the dead will no longer sleep, and that if a creepy old man insults you/scares you on the way to your destination, you will die.

There’s always that point in a review where the reviewer directly or indirectly says: I can’t reveal any more because I don’t want to give the ending away. Usually, I don’t particularly care as I look at the film as a whole, but it’s the ending of this film that makes it conceptually spectacular (not to mention visually spectacular). The ending kicks this film up from 3 stars to a 4, it makes the film more satirical, more intelligent, more thrilling, more entertaining. If anything more memorable.

The tagline of the movie is “You think you know the story. Think again.” Never has a tagline been so true.

Verdict:

It knows that if Hollywood made an unconventional horror film, the world might just end in a terrifying apocalypse. It’s a film that left me slightly gob-smacked which takes a lot as I have been called a ‘film snob’ on multiple occassions.

That awkward moment when you see your girlfriend make out with a stuffed wolf for a dare...

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

0.5 STARS

General Information:

Information below is taken from the following link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1467304/

18  92 min  –  Drama | Horror | Thriller  –   20 August 2010 (Ireland)

Director

Tom Six

Writers

Tom Six

Stars 

Dieter Laser; Ashley C. Williams ; Ashlynn Yennie

Plot:

Mad scientist, Dr Heiter (Dieter Laser) captures two girls on a tour across Europe to form his life-long fantasy: conjoining three people together, mouth to anus, to form “The Human Centipede”.

Review:

Before I start, I’d like to just say the history of how this movie came about. Tom Six jokingly said to a mate that paedophiles should be punished by having their mouths sowed to truck drivers’ anuses. That’s it. And if there’s more, I honestly don’t care, and don’t want to know.

Oscar Wilde once said that “bad art is the result of good intentions”. Perhaps this film was made with good intentions, but then again, could you call this film a work of art?

This movie is a lot of things. Being a “good movie” is unfortunately for our, dear director, Tom Six, not one of them. It’s a sick movie. But then again, aren’t all horror movies sick? There’s a theory called ‘pleasure for displeasure’. It explains why we watch horror films. We watch them because we like being frightened. We watch them because we like that thrill of adrenaline. We watch them because we like being left shaking by the end. We like being displeasured. Yet, The Human Centipede isn’t ‘pleasure for displeasure’. It’s ‘displeasure for displeasure’. If I had to personify this movie, it would be that weird eight-year old kid who always picks his nose in class and in the playground runs around chasing girls with dog-crap dripping off the end of a stick that he found on the ground.

A friend once told me that "the poster was the only good thing about this movie"...he was right

A good horror movie knows how to hit us, knows what fears to strike. A good horror movie prods and attacks are basic fears with visceral intensity. The fear of being alone. The fear of being followed. The fear of death. The fear of losing a loved one. The fear of the supernatural. Even the worst slasher movie attempts to scare us with these, The Human Centipede does not. Yes, people are followed, and people die – but the movie itself doesn’t attempt to scare us via these mere plot devices (and believe me, that’s all they actually are). It attempts to scare us with its concept: close-ups on the faces of the girls attached to each other’s close encounters of the pelvic kind, mucus oozing from one of the girls’ cheeks due to an infection, teeth being taken off, kneecaps cut open, the anus cut open, the section where the mad Dr Heiter demands that the ‘human centipede’ picks up a newspaper like a dog and gives it to him, the section where Katsuro – who’s at the front – has to ‘go to the toilet’, thereby force feeding the person in the middle with well…you know what I’m talking about.

Dr. Heiter has fun with his 'pet' by treating it like a dog...

The movie attempts to scare us with its concept rather than scaring us by attacking our fears. At the beginning of this review I compared this film to an eight-year old chasing girls with dog-crap on a stick. Shoving vile stuff in the viewer’s faces isn’t scary, it’s not. At first, it’s disgusting, and then…it’s boring.

Of course, there will be some horror-fans who like this movie, and find its concept interesting, different, and original compared to most horror films. Perhaps there’s a subtext to this film. Is Dr. Heiter a symbol of Josef Mengele, the infamous Nazi? Either way, I frankly don’t care.

There are other things which made me loathe this movie. Let’s look at the set-up for example. Two girls are in a car, they’re trying to get to a party which they’ve been invited to be some “cute German waiter”. But, oh dear! The tyre’s flattened! Seconds later, a car drives towards them until they’re side by side, revealing a perverted German man who mistakes them for being porn-stars. He offers to have sex with them, they scream and go ‘ewww’ and tell him to go away, which thankfully he does. From the start, the movie’s shoving weird sexual fetishes in our faces. But things get worse. Sooner or later the girls give up and walk out of the car and into the woods. One of them breaks down crying, and there’s the usual “hello!…help us” dialogue. Fortunately (or rather, unfortunately) one of them sees a light to a house. They knock on the door, and what man should luckily be behind their but the good old trusty Dr Heiter! Hooray! Effectively, all of that was a plot-device to lead to Tom Six’s weird threesome-like-you’ve-never-seen-it-before-extravaganza. All of that was there simply so he could show the world his concept.

Oh well, the cinematography was kinda nice.

Unfortunately I couldn't find any examples of nice cinematography on the internet for this film as most of them involve shots of the centipede itself (God knows why?...). Either way, observe how our director Tom Six has used a low-angle shot and 'hot windows' to accentuate the evil presence of the villain...

Verdict:

A movie that didn’t frighten, disturb or shock me. But rather made me want to either fall asleep or turn off the television. Go watch a David Cronenberg movie instead.