5 Things They Didn’t Want to Tell You…(2)

Some film trivia…

(All the trivia is from http://www.imdb.com)

1) Reservoir Dogs – Quentin Tarantino wanted James Woods to play a role in the film, and made him five different cash offers. Woods’ agent refused the offers without ever mentioning it to Woods as the sums offered were well below what Woods would usually receive. When Tarantino and Woods later met for the first time, Woods learned of the offer and was annoyed enough to get a new agent. Tarantino avoided telling Woods which role he was offered “because the actor who played the role was magnificent anyway”. It is widely accepted that the role that Tarantino was referring to was Mr. Orange.

2) Reservoir Dogs – Uses the word ‘fuck’ 272 times.

Reservoir Dogs

Reservoir Dogs

3) Bad Boys II – The director, Michael Bay has a cameo role in this (crap) film.

4) The Godfather During rehearsals, a false horse’s head was used for the bedroom scene. For the actual shot, a real horse’s head was used, acquired from a dog-food factory. According to John Marley, his scream of horror was real as he was not informed that a real head was going to be used.

The Godfather

The Godfather

5) Inception – The character Cobb is an architect in this movie. The actor who played Cobb, Alex Haw in Christopher Nolan’s earlier movie, Following is actually an architect in real life.

Inception

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How To Survive Sex and the City

Sex and the City is basically a stereotypically-gayer version of Lord of the Flies. If you don’t have a pair of those new high-heels, you can expect horseface, Sarah Jessica-Parker to beat the almighty crap out of you with an Armani handbag and stab you endlessly with the heels of her high-heels, whilst giving you non-stop paper-cuts with a receipt she just got on her daily clothes-shopping trip to Abudabi.

Sarah Jessica Parker..."Why the long face?"

Sarah Jessica Parker..."Why the long face?"

Or in other words, in the land of the City where there is Sex, if you don’t have a D&G handbag, 50o gay best friends, a walk-in-wardrobe, and a millionaire husband, you can fuck right off.

I cannot explain to you how much I loath Sex and the City, it is literally impossible to explain to you my vomit-inducing disgust at this film. Even if I vomited all over your face, you probably wouldn’t get the sheer scale of disgust I have for this film. No really, you wouldn’t. 

So to vent my anger, I’m going to be sarcastic and cynical, and attempt to explain how you’d survive the City which these “real representations of modern day women” live in.

READER NOTICE: The following advice is actually a satire, I don’t mean or recommend any of these. Doing the following may get you rejected from society, and probably arrested multiple times as well.

1) Condoms

 

Condoms

Condoms

Condoms. They come in all shapes, sizes, and by looking at the above – colours to. As a character in the City of where there is Sex – SEX, yes, SEX (we must refer to SEX in BIG CAPITAL LETTERS FROM NOW ON…BECAUSE SEX IS VITAL) is a very important thing. Without SEX, there is no…well…no SEX, really.

Mind you, if you’re currently not having SEX, then you could perhaps use your supply of colourful condoms to form a painting. Perhaps, you could recreate the Mona Lisa, The Scream of the new London Olympics Logo all with the help of your rubbery-STI-preventing friends.

2) A Very Rich and Disposable Husband

 

Ladies, it is important to consider that when you are in the City where there is Sex, you must have a husband. No love obviously. Throw out all of those “Mr Right” and “Princess Charming” dreams into an endless chasm of black nothingness filled with nothing. Why? ‘Cause in Sex and the City, there is no such thing as love, just handbags, hormonal dogs, and bitching.

So, if you can’t love your husband, what can you do to him/with him?

a) Show him off. Your husband is your trophy. Show off the fact that he’s good in bed, has a six-pack, has lots and lots and lots of money. And lie, about how much he loves you, when he actually doesn’t, because your relationship is based on a lie. A LIE.

b) Having SEX with him. And lots of it. SEX. SEX. SEX.

c) Ensuring that he has lots and lots and lots of money. So much money in fact that he’s probably vomiting it out everywhere he goes, and to add to this, his bank-statement must be more than your average bank-statement, it must be a bank-statement that spits all over everybody elses, because your husband must be richer than anybody elses husband. In fact, he must be so rich, that even the bank can’t help him, because they have nowhere else to store his money. You want a husband that stores money not in a bank (because he’s so rich) but in hidden compartments: like under mattresses, in cupboards, under floorboards, or in your ears.

3) You need a Gay. Like…now

Don’t care about who this Gay man is, just so long as he’s a Gay then it’s fine. Ignore him and basically use him to brag off to other girls how you have the Gay Best Friend, and chortle about this fact in your spare time whilst endlessly talking to him about boys. ‘Cause in the City where there is Sex, women and gay men can only ever talk about handbags, sex and boys, and nothing else.

Your Gay Best Friend isn’t really a friend at all (in the same way that you’re not really in love with your husband) – and this is an important fact to consider – just think of him as another accessory accessory, just an item to brag off to everyone else. Brag him off to all of your mates and endlessly talk about how you drink wine together whilst talking about Jake Gylenhaal, whilst watching opera together, and ensuring that he does your nails during all of this as well. He’s not your friend because you like him. He’s your friend because he’s GAY.

(And because he does your nails).

4) We’re gonna need some clothes…and lots of ’em

 If you don’t have those new Calvin Klein shoes then you can expect to be slaughtered…

Sorry, what’s that?

Calvin Klein only do underwear?…shit

*Runs away from hoard of Sex and the City characters who are all carrying condoms, handbags, gays, clothes, and machetes*

READER WARNING: I strongly advise you never to watch Sex and the City…ever.

Next week: How to survive The Human Centipede (so long as you’re not in the middle) 

 

2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

5 STARS

General Information

The information below is taken from the following link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0062622/

U   141 min  –  Adventure | Sci-Fi   –  6 April 1968 (USA)

Director

Stanley Kubrick

Writors

Stanley Kubrick; Arthur C. Clarke

Stars

Keir Dullea; Gary Lockwood; William Sylvester

Plot:

A mysterious monolith appears throughout the course of human history and mysteriously makes the human race develop and evolve.

The mysterious monolith in 2001: A Space Odyssey

The mysterious monolith in 2001: A Space Odyssey

Review:

When watching Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey (or just: “2001”), it is better to think of it as a visual poem rather than a film.

A poem is very much like a song: it is mysterious, yet intriguing; a certain song may say something different (or may say a different story) from one person to the next. 2001 is very much like that certain song or that certain poem. It is as mysterious as space itself, and so mysterious, that millions of interpretations can be drawn from it. After all, Arthur C Clarke said: “If you understand 2001 completely, we failed.”

We start off at the beginning of the human race: “THE DAWN OF MAN”. Half an hour of scenes showing beautifully composed shots of monkeys giggling, growling and bashing each other with bones unfold. Perhaps Kubrick is suggesting something about the instinctive nature we have for committing violence, or how far we have developed as a species – yet at the same time: how little. 2001 is a very subjective film, and all very much down to interpretation. For some viewers, this may be the movie’s downfall, as you could argue it off to be pretentious, ambiguous nonsense. (I imagine you can already guess what I think of 2001 anyway).

Later on, a black monolith mysteriously appears in their habitat – chaos ensues and panic arouses in the apes. They start waving their arms frantically and moving about whilst screeching. The monolith makes the apes develop into humans. We jump cut millions of years later. Humans are in space.

The humans then find another monolith on top of the surface of Jupiter. The human race then develops, but into what? Why? How? Is this good? Bad? What will become of us?

Judging by the questions above, 2001 is a difficult movie to describe; after all, it is difficult to describe why a poem or a song is good, as it just has to be experienced. 2001 poses so many questions, it doesn’t just pose one, but in every scene, every shot, every frame, it is not answering anything, and refuses to give anything away, it makes us think. Yet, if we don’t know what to make of it, 2001 at least blows us away. Kubrick was often noted on saying about how a film made you “feel“. 2001 is a good example of this: I felt an intense sense of intrigue and awe at the film’s astonishing achievement.

On a technical level, 2001 is flawless. Its slow tracking shots, its precise cinematography and it has one of the best CGI in the history of cinema (no thanks to Douglas Trumbull) – the ‘stargate sequence’, the ‘docking sequence’, the use of music to match with the choreography of the machines. Everything is perfect.

Verdict:

To be honest, I haven’t served this film justice with my review, but then, no words can, it cannot be described, but just experienced. To put it simply, it is as complex and as beautiful as the most complicated maze one could create. And it is as visual as the hallucinations of an acid-addict.

I think the important thing to consider with 2001 is even if you understand it or not, at the very least, it’s an experience. A mind-blowing one at that.

Now That Is My Kinda Movie!…

Movies appeal to different people for different reasons; why we like or dislike a particular movie is hard to explain – as the reason why art appeals to us requires a complex and organic explanation. Due to this, I may have a different favourite sci-fi movie compared to somebody else, and so on…

Below, I have listed common questions that I get asked when the topic of movies comes up…

Your favourite movie?

A Clockwork Orange. There’s something oddly quite charming and magical about this movie: it has a distinctive style and a grace to it, it is dreamlike and nightmarish, its landscape and set-design is arresting and its language is as poetic as a Shakepearean sonnet. It melds together the comic and the disturbing so perfectly. It is well-directed, well-acted, and has one of the most gripping plots in cinema history. Its music adds to its intense cinematic force. It’s just a very good movie.

There’s so much more, but to put it simply: it’s faultless.

Your least favourite movie?

Too many to choose from…Sex and the City was utterly vomit-inducing trash, Terminator is just over the top, clichéd, predictable – and dare I say it – boring.

A movie you really wanted to like?

David Lynch’s Blue Velvet is one. I heard so much about it, and it seems disastrously overrated to me. It’s so utterly disturbing, but it just felt like it went nowhere and didn’t make a point. Those scissors were used for no apparent reason…

Your favourite sci-fi?

2001: A Space Odyssey. Visual. Mind-blowing. Perhaps pretentious, but it’s good pretentious. A work of art to say the least.

Your favourite action film?

Die Hard!

Your favourite romance film?

Brokeback Mountain. A painful movie, stabs you in the gut and hits you where it hurts. Next to that…When Harry Met Sally.

Your favourite horror movie?

The original Texas Chainsaw Massacre – it’s brutal, atmospheric, and doesn’t rely on cheapo gore-tactics to scare the shit out of you.

Your favourite comedy film?

Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

A movie that you don’t understand no matter how many times you watch it…

Sod Donnie Darko. Mulholland Drive is the biggest mind-fuck ever made.

Your favourite director?

Stanley Kubrick…man’s a genius. Next to him…Quentin Tarantino, David Fincher and Christopher Nolan.

Your least favourite director?

James Cameron and Michael Bay. I could slap both of them…repeatedly.

Favourite movie scene/moment?

Right, I’m gonna fan-boy here…*scratches head*…

Ermmmm…The opening scene and the brainwashing scene in A Clockwork Orange, the ‘stargate sequence’ in 2001: A Space Odyssey. The section in Hot Fuzz where they’re in Summerfields and just defend themselves with knives! The Russian roulette scenes in The Deer Hunter. The opening sequence in The Social Network. The scene in The King’s Speech where Colin Firth just starts babbling out swear-words. Virtually every scene in my new guilty pleasure Johnny English: Reborn and…gahh – too many!

Most intriguing movie you’ve ever seen?

Memento!

Childhood movie?

Bedknobs and Broomsticks!

Favourite Quote?

My favourite quote is from the most quotable movie ever: Pulp Fiction.

“I just shot Marvin in the face!”

A movie that makes you shed some ‘man-tears’?

Erm…there’s a really good indie film about racial prejudice called Freedom Writors which makes me cry, and The Shawshank Redemption works every time.

Favourite Actor?

Jack Nicholson, Ian McKellen…too many to name!

Favourite Actress?

Meryl Streep, Julie Walters…pah! – loads…

Most pretentious movie you’ve ever seen?

A History of Violence.

Most overrated movie?

I daren’t say in fear that every film-buff in England will brutally kill me…with axes.

Movie you last saw at the cinema?

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo – an excellent film, pure Fincher. It’s disturbing, brutal and beautifully complex.

Favourite black ‘n white film?

Sod Citizen Kane. Watch 12 Angry Men.

Guilty Pleasure?

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Commando…it’s so bad it’s good.

And on that note…this blog post is over.

5 Things They Didn’t Want to Tell You…(1)

Just for a laugh, here’s some aimless – yet slightly humorous – irrelevant useless trivia…

(All the trivia is from http://www.imdb.com)

1) A Clockwork Orange – before filming the infamous rape scene, the victim (Adrienne Corey) said to Malcolm McDowell “now you’re gonna find out if I’m a ‘real ginger’…”

Stanley Kubrick filming one of the most iconic and disturbing scenes in cinema history

Stanley Kubrick filming one of the most iconic and disturbing scenes in cinema history

2) Pulp Fiction – The section where Vincent plunges the syringe into Mia’s chest was actually filmed by having John Travolta pull up the syringe from Mia’s chest and into the air, and was later edited backwards to make it look like he was injecting her rather than pulling a syringe from her chest.

The drug overdose scene in Quentin Tarantino's Pulp Fiction

The drug overdose scene in Quentin Tarantino's Pulp Fiction

3) The Blair Witch Project – There is a spoof version of the acclaimed horror film called “The Tony Blair Witch Project”. Here’s the IMDb link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0252060/

4) Clerks – It was named by Premier in its following top 20 list: “The 20 Most Overrated Movies Of All Time”

5) Shaun of the Dead – When Shaun tells Ed that he shouldn’t say ‘zombie’ (“the Z-word!”), it’s actually homage to the fact that George A Romero never used the word ‘zombie’ in any of his zombie films.

Rom-com + Zombies = Shaun of the Dead

Romcom + Zombies = Shaun of the Dead

Top 10 Movie Villains

From Alan Rickman in Die Hard to a 15 year-old murdering, rapist – I have constructed 10 of the best movie villains of all time.

So…in no particular order…

1) Nurse Ratched One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

Nurse Ratched

Nurse Ratched

Men shouldn’t strangle women; Nurse Ratched is the exception to this rule. Look at her. With her cold, pale, enamel face: utterly emotionless. She grins, smiling; deep down she’s making her plans and slowly manipulating you and your mind.

2) Hans Gruber – Die Hard

Hans Gruber

Hans Gruber

 Hans Gruber fits into every stereotype of what a badass movie villain should be:

1) He’s German

2) He’s played by a British actor

3) He has a beard

4) He’s involved in a scene where he has a gun against an innocent man’s head and counts from 3 to 1 to get information

5) He’s played by ALAN RICKMAN!

3) Alex DeLarge A Clockwork Orange

Alex DeLarge

Alex DeLarge

Alex DeLarge is your average teenager of a future dystopian Britain in Stanley Kubrick‘s darkly-comic, disturbing masterpiece. He beats up strangers, consumes hallucinogenics to prepare him for evening of ‘fun’, commits murder, and rapes women.

Oh…and he’s 15 years old.

4) Michael Myers Halloween

Michael Myers

Michael Myers

Michael Myers massacred his sister with a butcher’s knife when he was a little boy. He’s locked up, and years later, he escapes on a killing spree, where he kills again…and again…and again…

5) Leatherface – The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Leatherface

Leatherface

Leatherface and his family are cannibals. He captures and ties up a girl to a chair for ‘dinner time’. He puts teenagers on meat-hooks, puts random organs in a freezer. Oh, and his ‘leatherface mask’ is made of human flesh…charming.

6) Tyler Durden – Fight Club

Tyler Durden

Tyler Durden

 Tyler Durden is the ultimate badboy. He makes a fight club. Becomes a terrorist. Snips of guys ‘gentlemen’s vegetables’. Puts bodily fluids in soup when he’s working as a waiter…and he’s so damned good in bed he makes Marla Singer fall out of bed after one of their many ‘passionate sessions’.

He’s hot to. The lucky bastard.

7) Lord Voldermort – Harry Potter

Lord Voldermort

Lord Voldermort

class=”mceTemp”>He’s a terrorist wizard who runs a terrorist organisation consisting of a bunch of evil middle-aged men who call themselves ‘Death Eaters’. If you’re his enemy he’ll kill you, and if you’re his ‘friend’, he’ll hack your arm off with a knife (and if he’s feeling nice, he’ll make a new one for you out of metal).
class=”mceTemp”> 
class=”mceTemp”>Oh, and he’s got a 10 inch elder wand…cheeky cheeky cheeky.
class=”mceTemp”> 
class=”mceTemp”>8) Darth Vader Star Wars
class=”mceTemp”> 
class=”mceTemp”>

Darth Vader

Darth Vader

class=”mceTemp”>Do I really need to explain why he’s on this list?…
class=”mceTemp”> 
class=”mceTemp”>9) Jaws – James Bond
class=”mceTemp”> 
class=”mceTemp”>

JAWS!

JAWS!

class=”mceTemp”>He has metal teeth for crying out loud!
class=”mceTemp”> 
class=”mceTemp”>10) Frank Blue Velvet
class=”mceTemp”>
class=”mceTemp”>

Frank

Frank

As much as I despise David Lynch’s so-called ‘masterpiece’, I cannot deny the factor that Frank makes this movie the disturbing nightmare that it is. Blue Velvet is haunting, and you could even say frightening due to Frank.

Frank is a violent sociopath who sexually abuses a nightclub singer with a pair of scissors – if that doesn’t earn him a place on this list, God knows what else will.

Next Week: Hannibal Lecter’s Top 10 Homemade Cooking Recipes…

The Social Network (2010)

5 STARS

General Information:

The information from below is taken from the following link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1285016/

12  120 min  –  Biography | Drama   –  15 October 2010 (UK)

Director

David Fincher

Writer

Aaron Sorkin

Stars

Jesse Eisenberg; Andrew Garfield; Justin Timberlake

Plot:

Bio-pic about how two friends created Facebook, a tool used to bring friends together, and how the making of that tool, split them apart, yet also made Mark Zuckerberg the youngest billionaire on the planet.

The Social Network

The Social Network

Review:

It’s often been noted that David Fincher is the maker of dark films with an almost Kubrickian-perfected craft and dazzling visual style to them. The Social Network is no exception to this. It may be ‘light’ in subject matter for a David Fincher film, but that doesn’t take away its technical brilliance and its punchy directorial edge.

It all starts off when likeable computer-geek, Mark Zuckerberg (Jesse Eisenberg), is ditched by his girlfriend Erica Albright (Rooney Mara) with the famous last words “asshole”. Mark goes home. Drinks beer. Blogs. Then creates the arguably misogynistic Face Mash.

Face Mash allows testosterone-induced guys to pick ‘n choose between which girl is the hottest. It’s all laddish-inane fun; after all, girls and guys often play the “who’d you rather @~%**%^” game; yet Mark took this game a step further, he put it online.

Several thousand clicks later, Face Mash causes the Harvard uni servers to crash, and due to this, two people find Mark, pitch this really good idea to him. You know what happens next. Mark then takes their idea, yet uses a different code (which is his main defence when being sued: similar idea, but constructed differently). Mark then calls this code TheFacebook, and then a few years later he’s the youngest billionaire in the world. Baring in mind, the beauty of this is, if he was never dumped, this never would have happened. Yet Mark isn’t motivated by success, money or by greed. Whilst the people he ‘stole’ the idea from, are.  Mark can be considered a ‘child prodigy’ and a genius,and due to this, it could be argued that the guys he ‘stole’ the idea from may not have been as successful as he was.

I think the beauty of this film is that it has a very large demographic but doesn’t seem to flop. It’s about computer programming, but allows your average Joe to understand what’s going on in the film, the script doesn’t just consist of technical-babble, if it was, it wouldn’t have made 5 stars that’s for sure. The average person can understand this film because of it’s script: it’s sharp, acidic, feels real, and well-structured (the film jumps back and forth between the rise of Mark Zuckerberg to him being sued by the people he stole the money-making idea from and his co-founder and CFO of Facebook, Eduardo Sarvin (Andrew Garfield)).

The film is an achievement not because it’s well directed, well scripted or well-acted, but because it makes the seemingly ‘un-filmable’ filmable

Verdict:

Zuckerberg took the real world one step further by putting it online. Fincher takes the online world and translates it into a cinematic ‘real world’ via the medium of film. Well scripted, acted, and directed, The Social Network is made with the technical precision like a master of cinema, such as Stanley Kubrick himself. It’s not just a landmark of 2010, but perhaps a landmark of cinema itself.